Crossroads

What a week. Did I even know myself, last Sunday?
This week was supposed to be about getting caught up on homework and working on the newspaper, buying a cake, celebrating Macy's birthday, and then reading, maybe.
It certainly wasn't supposed to be about the choices you'd never wanted to face in life, about deciding on who you're going to be. I am learning things about myself that I never wanted to. Choices have been opened and simultaneously ripped away from me in one night. It wasn't supposed to be about family, loyalty, love. Or learning the limits and extents of sacrifice. It wasn't supposed to pass with euphoria coincident to despair.
When I am making choices I mourn both my victories and losses at the same time, before the outcome, sometimes even before the situation--if, when--- arises. It is all the same. I do what I always do after I make up my mind: I move the fuck on. Tears are only relief to inaction and inability. I have no time for that when I'm progressing forward to a future that I may have no control of. My whole life is on the tipping point of other people's choice--everything and nothing---and it is awful. The habit of to have is so hard to break, and so hard to unlearn.
I got a puppy. Macy pulled a prank. Ate lunch with friends. I got a scholarship. I had fun at Amy's the other night, watched new movies. Good things.
It's spring. We're moving furniture. Re-carpeting, painting the walls warmer colors. Selling stuff, refinancing. Getting ready to move out. After next year I'll be in college, hopefully. I really, really hope. I'm at the crossroads. My life could literally go anywhere right now. I don't know what to do. Sometimes all we have in life is our choices---but the availability of such options is not always clear or there. WELP. Ok, I'm getting out of my funk. Time to stop being such a drama queen. It's passed!
I'm out.