Both my children had counseling today. Sophie’s went OK. She is detaching again. Instead of dealing with the emotions, exams, uni, family etc she has detached herself. She either wallows or detaches. I have watched her closely and there is no restricting, no real mood swings, so wondered just what she was doing to cope. Detachment. Her talk was about remembering to own and feel her feelings.
Will’s appt was the shocker. The very first one only ever scratches the surface, the next one brings you pretty close to the truth (if you are being honest). My son has suicide plans – I mean real ones. Depending upon where he might be, he has plans. He has asked one of his friends at school to never let him walk off by himself. His point of stopping is what his death would mean to his family. Asked where his anxiety and depression is out of 10, he figures 12 is as good as it gets.
Next shock, just how much he really really dislikes his father. The kid who has constantly said it is OK to see dad once a month, actually “endures” it. He goes to make his father feel better. Sons (or daughters) should not have to endure at that emotional level.
Third shock, he hates himself. Like totally since about Yr 5. No self harm, no outward sign of anger, just deep absolute hatred of himself. Without knowing why or what triggered it.
He is crisis point with weight and I did figure that. He is likely to trigger anorexia if he continues to lose any more. First degree sibling with anorexia makes him extremely vulnerable, coupled with depression and anxiety, lack of appetite, lack of sleep etc just makes him so high risk. Despite extra food, not enough gain yet, so more food (if possible) and to have him cut right down on the extreme exercise for a couple of weeks to see if we can get him out of the critical zone. To give Will credit he doesn’t want to lose weight, and he is eating the extra I am giving him. But he is denial about his exercise level.
The good points (and I always have to look for the good things to give hope both for me and my children) are:
- he opened up and asked for help (first step to recovery)
- he wants to let his brother and sister in to help him
- he wants to gain weight if possible
- he is willing to take medication and attend therapy
… that’s a good start.
What gets me is how you can still manage to miss such high levels of depression and anxiety. Yes my son has been quiet, but still functions normally, gets high grades, has friends, goes out socially, looks you in the eye and says ‘he is good’. What pain and darkness he must have deep within and must feel so alone and fighting this for years with seemingly no help. I know I am a high functioning depressive (as one spot-on friend told me) but my son takes it to the extreme level. That might be his asperger side adding the extra level.
I can’t predict which way he will teeter as we sit on this mountain top. This is where Sophie was in about April 2010, not sure of where she was heading but knowing it couldn’t be good. Same with Will, not knowing where he is heading, but we do already have a team in place. I feel like I am standing in the middle of absolutely nowhere with no map, compass, local guide, or survival kit.
