“Caveman” Arrested for DUI as Wife Punks Cop

Ex- (Oakland A's) player Johnny Damon, having loudly supported Trump and whined about coronavirus restrictions, completed the retired baseball player Triple Crown with a DUI in Florida. -New York Daily News

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.