I came of age a bit late to really witness the days when Australia was a cinematic powerhouse on the world stage. The twin beacons of the 1970s-80s Australian New Wave were Peter Weir’s hauntingly mysterious Picnic at Hanging Rock and the grisly all-too-realism of Mark Lewis’s Cane Toads: An Unnatural History. Cane toads (Bufo marinus), with their rubbery limbs, their spotted ribbons of eggs, their insatiable appetites, and their soulless eyes, have been a horrific success as an invader species in Australia’s quaint and weak environment since being introduced in August of 1935, and as a grim metaphor for previous waves of human colonization. The island continent, cut off from the rest of the world for all those millennia, finds itself with a weakened immune system akin to the Martians of Ray Bradbury’s chronicles. A few natives, such as the black kite and the meat ant, have managed some success in killing cane toads. Other creatures, including many snakes and lizards, have been forced out or killed directly by these American Bufodinae. When our duly elected member of parliament Dave Tollner generated waves several years ago by literally calling us to arms against the toads, I felt a duty fueled by white guilt to comply.
“Hit them with cricket bats and golf clubs,” MP Tollner said, in a quote I am taking out of context. The RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) disagrees. They believe that widespread environmental devastation is preferable to direct violence because it is more difficult to see and thus weighs less on their conscience. Choice of club was the first matter to settle. A putter is obviously inappropriate. A wood would not give enough sensory feedback through the long shaft. I decided on a 9 iron. Every bit of weight and loft would be necessary to scoop a cane toad up off the ground. A cane toad is much more massive than a golf ball and its dimples are not as well calibrated for flight.
The cane toad’s primary defenses are its outsized parotid glands which excrete a creamy goo called bufotoxin. Ingesting the substance, while one of the niftier ways to get high, is not very safe or even effective. I don’t know if bufotoxin has any deleterious effect on a car’s paint, but I decided it would be imprudent to risk my own car. I went to Budget car rental in Darwin City and got an adorable yellow Yaris at a great rate. The hatchback has the maneuverability to enable wheel-hunting if I felt so inclined and ample room for my 9 iron or even a full complement of spoons, mashies, and niblicks. I set out on my journey to atone for the sins of mankind, to bay the threat at the head of a club.
Please, join in this just cracking of skulls. As you go forth, bear in mind this verse from the Hebrew children’s song Chad Gadya:
The angel of death came, and slew the slaughterer,
Who killed the ox, that drank the water,
That extinguished the fire, that burned the stick,
That beat the dog, that bit the cat, that ate the goat,
Which my father bought for two zuzim
-Kyle Lai
