Humor Magazine

Bye-bye, Slow Mowtion

By Glenn Waterman

Yesterday: Grass grows. Man mows. Life sucks.mower today

Today: Grass grows. Man mows. Ain’t life grand?

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Post on, July 18, 2013:

“Honda, in conjunction with Top Gear magazine and racing outfit Team Dynamics, has built a high performance ride-on lawn mower capable of reaching speeds up to 130 mph.

And, yes, it can still cut the grass.

The so-called Mean Mower started out as a production Honda HF2620 Lawn Tractor before the team replaced its stock 20 horsepower motor with the 109 hp, 1,000 cc V-twin from a Honda VTR1000 Firestorm sport bike, along with its six-speed transmission, and re-engineered the suspension to handle a set of ATV wheels and tires.

A Scorpion exhaust system pumps up the volume to an ear-shattering 130 decibels … a Cobra racing seat was fitted to keep up with the bump in performance … good enough to accelerate the grass assassin to 60 mph in four seconds …”

As I write this, it’s Saturday, 8:08 a.m. Outside, it’s 82 degrees, humidity at 74 percent. Couple hours it’ll be hot enough to cook breakfast on the patio tiles and the atmosphere so moisture-laden one can water potted houseplants by holding them up and waving them around in the air.

Today’s old plan of attack: Grass grows. Man throws … himself down stairs, breaks a leg. Cries tears of joy.

Today’s new plan of attack: Grass grows …

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“Hon, I’m going to mow the lawn.”

“Great, it sure needs it. Wait a minute, the baseball game’s about to start on TV. I thought you were going to watch it.”

“I am.”

Thirty-four seconds elapse.

“There … all done. Back in time for the first pitch.”

“But you just went out there. Lemme look … my God, it is.”

“New mower. No problem.”

“Uh, it looks great. Couple things, though. I don’t see the patio furniture, or the grill. And where’s our big elm tree?”

“Collateral damage. We got any beer?”

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