We are a society that bases are opinion of others on what we see. We judge a person’s health, life and abilities simply on how they are looking. We make snap judgements, often wrong, and only show our ignorance and shallowness. It is the condescending attitude that the ‘but you look good” makes the receiver of the comment feel as if they need to apologize.
Anyone with an eating disorder can tell you that the “you look good” comment only makes them feel fat, ugly, awful, and need to purge, restrict or binge. It has the total opposite effect and these comments are harmful and social occasions become a mine field to negotiate.
However for those with other chronic illnesses these “look good” are just as tricky to reply to.
I have had people say when they know my depression is severe, “but you look great”, “you don’t look sad”, “you are possibly not that bad as you look good”. Well excuse me if I put my makeup on and dress like I haven’t lost the plot. I do have pride and I try not to look like I feel inside. I feel absolute crap inside why look the same on the outside. I do this to feel stronger in yourself and to give myself a routine to follow, but then pay the price because people don’t believe you are really suffering. I used to smile and let it go, but now I gently correct. ‘Yes I got my makeup on this morning but it was a rough day yesterday’, or ‘my medication has doubled and it has kicked in’.
People have looked at me and stated that I obviously survived the domestic violence quite well, as I don’t have a certain hardness or worn look to my face. Really?? I didn’t realize there was a certain way to look that declares you have suffered from domestic violence. And if you don’t look worn and haggard then clearly you haven’t suffered real DV. I actually have worked out a reply to that one, because I would launch into a tirade about the harm DV does and the myths surrounding it.
Most of us try not to look how we have lived or feel on the outside. We try to make something of ourselves and wait for the inside to hopefully catch up with the outside. But we don’t need comments passed that we feel shamed by or that produce a negative attitude from people who know our inner self.
