Breaking: Rick Santorum Drops Out Of Presidential Race

1. Also breaking: did CNN accidentally run a headline from 2012 by reporting this? Hey, CNN, we got more “breaking” 2012 news nobody cared about then – Snookie’s friend Deena hooked up with some loser with a pixelated face on Jersey Shore before the show was canceled.
2. More breaking news: Rick Santorum was apparently running for President in 2016, and thought living humans knew! He is literally like Bruce Willis’ dead character in the Sixth Sense.
3. Even more breaking news: the fact he was running in 2016 means Santorum was running this year! So remember, it is now 2016. Stop selecting “2015” for all of your iPhone calendar appointments before your dentist removes your wisdom teeth a second time!