The Price of Life is the kind of book you read more than once. You’ll miss something along the way the first time around. During your third reading, you catch a subtle turn of events that adds another layer of depth, which might have eluded you the first few times. To say that Nienaber’s debut novel is a marvelous piece of writing would be an understatement. -Sylvia Cochran, The Deepening Book Review
This is a quote from the one (and only) professional review my book received. But who needs more, after all, with a review that ends with something this encouraging and a comparison to Edgar Allen Poe I really have nothing to complain about (the whole review can be found by clicking the link). I should have been able to take this a triumph and move on…but I couldn’t. As pleased as I was with the review I wasn’t happy with the book. So unhappy that I took it off the shelves, both physical and virtual, even after a six month run sold 5,000 copies (not that there was much money in it). Since then I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what was wrong…and I’ve finally reached a conclusion.
I’ve been working on this book series for years. It was through no small effort that this book was created, but the publishing process left a lot to be desired. I published this book a year after my boyfriend had died, not because I wanted to publish a book, but because I wanted the year to be something more than just the-one-year-anniversary of his death. I needed some other life-marker to look forward to. So I published a book because it was the only thing in my power to do.
While the book itself was written (at least in part) long before the idea to publish ever took place, the majority of the year was spent rewriting and revising content. I spent almost no time editing or working on layout and the differences between an e-book and a print book. I put together a cover using stock images as quickly as I could and didn’t take much time to really think about what it was I wanted to do and then just sent a piece of myself out into the world. Even after the sales and good review I didn’t feel like I had a right to brag about, I wasn’t excited when people asked about it or congratulated me. I was embarrassed. I knew this wasn’t the end product of my best effort.
At first I thought I was disappointed because I wanted to go the traditional route. I should have gotten an agent and a real publishing deal. I should have at least queried agents. I should have tried to get that 6 figure book deal. Then I’d be happy.
But I wouldn’t be.
Sure, all writers secretly hope they’ll be the next Stephen King or J.K. Rowling. I could do a lot with that kind of money. We all could. But deep down I know I’m not writing for the money. I’m writing because I want to. I love this story, these characters, this world. Everything about it is like a part of me. I just want to share it with people. That’s why I work so hard to get published. I want people to see what I’ve done and love it too. Anything beyond that is all just extra. And once I finally realized that, I came to my conclusion.
What bothered me wasn’t that I didn’t have a book deal with one of the big 5 or that I wasn’t magically pulling in millions and stealing the #1 New York Time’s Bestseller’s spot (although I was in the Amazon top 10). What bothered me was that I didn’t get to enjoy it. I was working so hard to get a final project out before the anniversary of, we’ll call him “A”‘s, death that I couldn’t dive into it like I wanted to. I want this creation to be mine, 100%. I want to be able to spend hours working on my own cover. Spend weeks editing it and looking up obscure rules in my Grammar-Girl Guide just to make sure I got it right. I want this book to look like everything it means to me.
When I initially pulled it I said it was because I wanted to shop it to agents. Well, that’s not totally untrue. Along with this announcement I have emailed an agent. But just one. I’m not really sure I’m ready to give my book up quite yet, I like having the control, I like not having to share “my baby” with anyone else. That being said I’m also not sure I want to give up all the opportunities having an agent and a real publisher could give. It’s been a tough decision and I’m not really sure what the best choice is, but I do know that just standing still and not doing anything isn’t going to get my further down the road. So I’m talking to agents and putting my book back on the shelves. 
The relaunch will be June 1st the book will be edited to within an inch of its life and the cover will be designed by me. I’ve already got the layout done, just have to make a mock-up. Anyone reading this who would like a free unedited reviewer copy of the e-book email me at [email protected]. All I ask in return is that you give it an honest review on amazon and/or goodreads. I will not think less of you if you give it a bad review (I promise) I just like knowing people have actually read it. Just remember any free copies you get before June 1st are the unedited copy and mention that in the review.
I will also be launching another book, we’ll call it “Book W” under my pen name on May 21st. I won’t give any more details on the blog because I want to keep it separate from “me” but if you want a reviewer copy of that too just send an email to the same address and promise yourself to secrecy about my true identity. This probably isn’t necessary…but I’ve just always wanted to swear someone to secrecy about my identity and life is short.
If you’re still with me thanks for holding out and reading the whole post. Please, post all comments, criticisms, advice, words of wisdom and support, or whatever. I won’t lie, just like every other author out there I have a glimmer of hope that I’ll get “discovered” and offered this sweet publishing deal which leads to me being able to write for a living, but if that does happen I want it to happen on my terms. Life is short. Things are never perfect. Waiting for the “right moment” usually ends up in you never doing anything at all. More than anything else I just want to enjoy this and see where life goes from here.
