Diaries Magazine

Beware the Crazy Woman at the Park

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
It's me.  I'm the crazy woman at the park, yelling.

At least, I was earlier this week.  On any given day it's not necessarily likely to be me - but that's because I'm inherently lazy and would rather nudge the twins out the back to the sandpit at home, than pack them up and take them to a public park that has sufficient fencing around the playground, and equipment appropriate to toddlers.
Also, at home I still have my laptop.  At the park, I have to actually vigilantly monitor my kids.  My attention span is rather poorly and I usually find myself tweeting from my mobile phone within minutes, while my kids could well be exposing themselves, eating playground debris that many a dirty little foot has trampled on, or perched atop the highest, pointiest, most dangerous item in the place.  Or...you know...so I'm guessing *ahem*.  Beware the crazy woman at the park The other day, I felt the need to go that extra mile on the parenting front.  This was because I failed so spectacularly with Miss5 in the morning.  I figured I could make up for it with the twins once they woke up.  Even out the balance of parenting fails to half-decent parenting. The logic is mind boggling, no? It all started when I took Miss5 to school in the morning, with her Show and Tell news that wasn't required until the following day, and without her library book that was required that day.  The book she hadn't even read anyway, so I nicely covered my ass by advising we would be keeping the same book this week, because she hadn't read it much (or, you know, AT ALL). Yes, I dobbed my own child in to save face.  I'm all about public image.  Actually, it's about minimising the negative image my poorly parenting skills often project. It was only while prodding Miss5 into the classroom (before she could expose my library book lies) that I noticed she was wearing the exact same uniform as the day before.  I knew this because it had tomato sauce on one arm, and paint on the other.  Extremely large stains, impossible to miss.  

Also, impossible to remove.  At least, not by yours truly sucking like mad on the tomato sauce patch on her elbow in the corner of the classroom.  Which did not go unnoticed.
This left me paranoid that all other parents, the teacher, the teacher's aid, the other Early Childhood teachers from surrounding classrooms (who would, no doubt, discuss my crap parenting over morning tea), and generally every single person within the school grounds would be judging my poorly parenting for yet another reason - I send my kid to school in dirty, stained clothes.  Because I'm absolutely positive they have all taken note of her attire both days and come to the shocking realisation that she's worn the same set of clothes. Again, the logic is mind boggling, right? So to make up for such crap parenting, I took the twins to the park. All went well until I desperately needed the loo, which meant we had to leave.  Only, the twins didn't want to leave, and completely ignored my every attempt to round them up and tackle them to the ground so I could put them in the car. After a solid  7 or 8  20 minutes of begging, pleading, threatening, and chasing, I was fed up and on the verge of wetting myself. So I yelled, at the top of my lungs (which are quite impressive...just ask anyone living within a 2 block radius) : "If you get in the car I'll give you a lolly!"
Every. Single. Parent. stopped, turned and looked at me.  Some with jaws gaping, others with incredulous death stares.  Either way, the only two people who did not take note were the twins. In hindsight, it was probably the single most inappropriate thing to scream across a playground full of children.  I see this now.  At the time, I had to hastily collect the twins, one under each arm, wriggling, struggling, and protesting, and beat a hasty and apologetic retreat to the car. I'm quite sure a number of the parents took down my number plate and car details. It's highly possible many of them have reported a frizzy haired crazy woman of around  25  30ish who appeared to be on edge and/or intoxicated, yelling and trying to snatch children at the park.
I'm quite bummed that I now have to find a new park that meets my criteria.  Just in case
Beware the crazy woman at the park

Just for the record - I wasn't intoxicated.

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