When we are in active addiction, we do and say things ALL the time that offend, frighten, and even horrify other people. These others may be friends, family, co-workers, or anyone really.
But the fact that we are so out of control, completely unable to monitor our own words and behaviors, is nonetheless, of GREAT impact to others. When we are high, we are not concerned with our words, not concerned with others.
The only thing that we are concerned about if locating, obtaining, and using more, drugs, alcohol, or whatever it is. Most addicts, at least the many that I have know, are very creative, loving, and endearing people.
They are, or often become the centerpiece of the family, and the most trusted of friends, when they are sober, that is. This is why the addict can get away with the things that they can, if, and when they do relapse (G-d forbid). People trust them.
Generally, the addict does not wake up one morning and say, “you know, today I am going to start fooling everyone who loves me, for say, the next 6 months, then I’ll relapse, and be able to take advantage of everybody, because, I’ll have earned their trust!, hahahahaha”.
An addict wants to genuinely love and be loved. The addict wants to be a good person, and the addict generally, and especially in the later years, wants to stop using desperately.
The problem with the addict is that they FORGET!
This is why I try to write a daily blog about addiction.
What it was like, what happened, and what I am like now.
It is my belief as well as that of many others, that if remind myself on a daily basis, that it will be very difficult for me to forget, in fact, quite nearly, impossible.
To say that I am grateful for this ability would be a tremendous understatement.
I have hurt a great many people in my life, emotionally. I am not a physical person, and was blessed with literally having no temper, so I have never, and G-d willing will never raised a hand to anyone in anger.
I have, to what was my great regret devastated many lives on the levels of trust and emotion.
I am not proud, but also no longer have any regrets about who I was, or the pain that I caused others.
I work exceptionally hard today to be rigorously honest, and to practice a solid spiritual program.
Do I always succeed?
Certainly not!
I do however, try the best that I can.
The way I see my choices are these; I can wallow in my past, feeling sorry for myself, and wanting to destroy the “monster” that I was, or I can move on, make a new life for myself, and continue to be happy, joyous, and free, a loving husband, and a good and loving father.
I choose the later.
Primarily because I see no reason to be miserable for the rest of my future, by holding on to my past.
Mordechai
