Humor Magazine

Baby, It’s Cold Outside, as Interpreted by Me

By Mommabethyname @MommaBeThyName

I’ve been heartily amused by the song, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” for most of my life. I can remember standing by the record player and raising my little eyebrows (eyebrow) at the lyrics. I knew something fishy was going on there. Every year, when I hear it, I’m compelled to sit down, read the lyrics, and translate to what I think it should say, but I never do.

Tonight, however, I’m taking the plunge. In the deep, heavy snow of innuendo, to bring you the seedy subtext of ”Baby, It’s Cold Outside”.

Haven’t heard it? Here’s the Zooey Deschanel/Leon Redbone version, because I find her voice rather bewitching. I also like the Rod Stewart version, so if you’re so inclined, cue that puppy up instead. You can follow right along. Go ahead. Play it and read.


I really can’t stay*
(But, baby, it’s cold outside)**

*You have bad breath.

**Lady, that bill was fifty bucks!


I’ve got to go ‘way*
(But baby it’s cold outside)**

*Glee is on tonight.

**Did you hear me? Fifty bucks!


This evening has been so very nice*
(I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)**

*Had it been steak, sushi maybe…but chicken? No. Just no.

**If I’m holding onto you, it will be more difficult to escape.


My mother will start to worry!*
(Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)**

*Your breath is bad and I don’t like you.

**I’m going to get my fifty bucks’ worth if it kills me.


And father will be pacing the floor*
(Listen to that fireplace roar)**

*My father is a crazy, crazy man.

**No one will hear a peep. I promise.


So really I’d better scurry!*
(Beautiful, please don’t hurry)**

*You’re wearing me down, sir. Slowly, but surely.

**Just stay here until my roommate gets here, so it looks like we did it.


Well maybe just a half a drink more.*
(Put some records on while I pour)**

*I just checked my phone. No one’s texted me back.

**You like your drinks strong, right?


The neighbors might think*
(Baby, it’s bad out there)**

*I’m a screamer.

**I have an entire nightstand full toys I’ve been dying to try.


Say, what’s in this drink?*
(No cabs to be had out there)**

*Roofies, right? Tastes like roofies.

**No one for miles.


I wish I knew how to break the spell*
(I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)**

*The creepy ones have a way of hypnotizing me. It’s so weird.

**We shall start from the top and work our way down, yes?


I oughtta say, “No, no, no, Sir,”*
(Mind if I move in closer?)**

*But I usually don’t.

**Lace? Are those lace?


at least I’m gonna say that I tried!*
(What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?)**

*Let’s just tell them I tried, okay?

**I could destroy you on Facebook.


I really can’t stay*
(Baby, don’t hold out)**
[both] Ahh but it’s cold outside!!

*Is he buying this? I’m not even buying this anymore.

**This is the most sincere sentiment I will express this evening.


I simply must go*
(But, baby it’s cold outside)**

*Fuck it. I’m staying.

**Oh, yeah.


The answer is no*
(But BABY it’s cold outside)**

*Yes, fine, okay. Just make it quick.

**Woot, woot!


This welcome has been so nice and warm*
(Look out the window at that STORM!)**

*Might as well snuggle up, Sailor. I don’t have all night.

**You won’t be able to see it for long. Bow chicka wow wow.


My sister will be suspicious!*
(Gosh, your lips look delicious!)**

*Why hasn’t my sister moved out yet? She’s forty-six!

**Oops, I think I’ve been drinking your drink.


My brother will be there at the door!*
(Waves upon a tropical shore!)**

*My brother’s a cop.

**Yep. This is definitely your drink.


My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious*
(GOSH, your lips are delicious)**

*Gossip queen. Never shuts up.

**You don’t mind if I lick them whilst you protest, do you?


Well, maybe just a cigarette more*
(NEVER such a blizzard before)**

*Don’t smoke, kids. It’s bad for your health.

**Do I make you horny, baby?


I’ve got to get home!*
(But, baby, you’ll FREEZE out there!)**

*Are you still talking?

**Come join me on this bearskin rug.


Say, lend me your coat?*
(it’s up to your knees out there)**

*Because I left the house in a blizzard to go to on a date and remembered my cigarettes, but I FORGOT MY COAT.

**And speaking of knees…


You’ve really been grand!*
(I thrill when you touch my hand)**

*Let’s get this over with, huh?

**I hope you don’t need much warming up.


But don’t you see?*
(HOW can you DO this thing to ME?)**

*I’ve already agreed, yet you continue to talk. What the hell did you put in that drink anyway?

**Fifty bucks.


There’s bound to be talk tomorrow*
(Think of my lifelong sorrow!)**

*If anyone finds out, I’ll never live this down.

**Wow. I am a jerk.


At least there will be plenty implied!*
(If you caught pneumonia and DIED!!)**

*I could never, ever be seen in the mailroom again.

**I’m concerned about your well-being, baby. Can you feel me? Feel me being concerned about your well-being? Now, tell me, does that bra close in the front or the back?


I really can’t stay!*
(Baby, don’t hold out)**

*The front. It’s, ah, never mind. I’ll do it.


[Both] Ahhhhhh baby it’s cold outside!!


You know, one thing leads to another, and the test comes back negative, but she ends up quitting her job anyway because he taped the whole thing.

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