CNN Money reports that Detroit, Michigan has declared bankruptcy!
3 Assets We Would Like To Buy From Detroit
1. The U.S. side of the Detroit River. We’re only interested in the side of the river drowning in metaphorical red ink, so just sell us the U.S. side, not the Canadian side, please. And since you have to separate a red body of water, might we suggest you enlist Moses to part the Detroit River? Thanks.
2. The half of Tiger Stadium that sat partially demolished for years. This half stadium will match our half river perfectly. Whatever you do, please don’t tell us you eventually demolished the entire thing – those chairs could be sold to stadium bars in Detroit suburbs or somewhere people would rather go than Detroit! Okay, we’ve just heard the entire thing has been demolished. Perhaps the problem here is demolishing the valuable landmarks, and leaving up the boarded-up abandoned buildings?
3. The name “Detroit.” That will give us street cred when we use it for the rap music studio and tough guy clothing corporation we intend to create. Meanwhile the city can use any variety of new trendier names like “Cleveland 2,” “Octopus River And Hockeytown” or “Home of the Los Angeles Tigers of Anaheim (Michigan).”
