For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.
July 21, 2011
Dr. Ludwig,I am writing in an official capacity as sheriff in Bon Temps. It has come to my attention, in an official manner, of course, that you might be in possession of large amounts of “V”, and I want it. I mean, I want to confiscate it for official purposes, of course. Not that I would ever want it for anything other than completely legal reasons, of course.I will expect an answer from you within the hour, if not sooner. I could not find your phone number or your address, which is rather unusual for a lawman like me to not be able to find. But damn it, I know you have the stuff and I want it! For official, legal purposes, of course.Sign me,Sheriff A. B.Dear A.B.,Well, well, well- what have we here, hmmmmm? Your letter comes off as a bit jittery and, well, desperate. Could it be that a recovering substance abuser got ahold of some
illegal “V” and got himself hooked on a new vice? Again, I say, “Hmmmmmm…”Now, first of all, my clinic is not within your parish- so you are trying to play out of bounds. Shame on you! And the law protects me as a doctor and a healer for keeping this powerful substance in my clinic for healing and research use. Nothing illegal here for you to confiscate.And as for not finding my address or phone number, I have been around for a while- a very long while- and my patients are repeat business or come by referral. Basically, if you have to look for me in the phone book, you probably can’t afford me anyhow.Now, you didn’t hear this from me, but maybe you ought to try the inbreds in Hot Shot…Sign me, Disgusted
Dear Dr L,My wife told me to write to you, because she’s about fed up enough to kick me out. See, I went to a dog fight a couple weeks ago, and I saw a Rottie rip a pit’s throat almost open. When the pit’s handler took her out, I went to see how the dog was doing, and I swear that handler was leading a WOMAN out to the truck, and she had a bleeding throat! Now, I’d had me a beer or two, sure, but I was not that drunk.Now, I look at all the critters here on the farm a little different. I mean, the swish of our old milk cow Bossy’s tail might be someone else sending me a message- know what I mean? Not that I am gonna do anything about it, but I am seeing the world in a whole new way. My wife says I am just sick. What do I do?Animal LoverDear Lover Boy,Where have you been? I mean, what rock have you been living under? Supernatural beings, including shifters, have been “out” for some time now. You mean you are just catching on to this? Do you even have TV signals out in the boonies where you must be?My best advice to you would be to get over it- or to quote one of my idols, Cher, in the film, “Moonstruck”, “Snap out of it!” As she slaps Nicholas Cage’s face. So tell your wife to slap the snot out of you. If you need me to do it, drop on by- I’ll slap you into the middle of next week, and since you wrote in here, I’ll give you a reduced rate.
Dear Dr. Ludwig,I am told you and I have known each other for many years- that you have, in fact, worked for me and my people many, many times. I am told you are the doctor for supernaturals who have problems they cannot overcome on their own. My problem- I do not remember any of this now, as I have had a curse put on my by a coven of witches, which has erased my memory. People seem to fear me, but I do not know why. I’d be far more afraid of those witches than of little old me. You should see what they did to my assistant’s face.Can you help me, Dr Ludwig? Can I trust you?Sheriff E. N.My, my- TWO sheriff’s in one posting…Well, Mr. Viking, what can of worms have you opened that you can’t close by yourself this time? Are you just yanking my chain, to get me over there so you can return tit for tat and insult me as I did you last time we met? We have been through many events, you and I, but this one seems to take the cake. I’ll make a house call, if you tell me where you are, just to see you as this whimpering wuss you seem to be right now. I probably can’t do much- that’ll be up to the witches. But I sure want to see you like this. I will even do it for free- and you know how big that is for me. No wait, you don’t know, so never mind. I’ll charge double.As for your assistant, have her give me a call. I know how vain she is about her looks.Your favorite doc
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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.
