Dear People Who Write Online Reviews:
I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge you, for you are the unsung hero, an untapped and nearly flooding reservoir of knowledge. You, sir (ahem, or madam) who takes time out of your obviously tight schedule to provide me with in-depth and virtually error-free accounts of your recent “disappointing” dining experience at Applebee’s, the “soul-sucking” nature of your latest visit to Best Buy, and such a crisp account of your most recent hotel stay, I can practically feel the “sandpapery towels” against my cheeks.
Your no-holds-barred account of Frankenweenie was breathtaking. Six paragraphs of perfection. I may not have noticed the play of light and shadow “so characteristic of Burton” if not for your Ebertian eye. You make all experiences feel like the very first time.
Without you, I would not have been aware that the wings from the Chinese takeout place are not separated, “leaving fingers sticky and exhausted”. Or that “the pool is rather refreshing once the peeing children retire for the evening”. What would I do without your wise words? What, pray tell? I shudder to think.
Your summation of your last hibachi dinner was without parallel. Not only did you provide me with solid imagery of the decor, but you also reminded me that one should always question the state of agedness of the beef. And I completely agree. What type of barbarian would guard the secret of whether the beef was wet- or dry-aged? Heathens. I’m definitely not going there now.
I was truly hypnotized by your description of the Mayan-temple themed hotel you patronized juxtaposed to the actual Mayan temple you visited a few years ago. I simply cannot fathom that the historical details were so blatantly disregarded. I’ve actually lost sleep as well about the built-in waterslide not facing North, a detail upon which the Mayans would have absolutely insisted. It is a travesty and it should be torn down.
If it weren’t for you, I certainly would not have steered clear of Taco Bell’s Limeade Blast or the restroom at the Mobil station on Route 37. Your one-star account of that connecting flight into JFK brought me to tears. So intense. And thank you, sincerely, for saving me from the trainwreck that is Ke$ha’s most recent album. I truly have no room in my life for a “cacophony of laboring sheep.”
I just want to let you know that when I see your screenname, and consider the 6,384 reviews you’ve been gracious enough to contribute over your formidable career, I get chills. Chills.
So, let me tell you this once, sir, in person: Yes, yes this review helped. Tremendously.
I don’t know what I would do without you.
Sincerely,
A Humble Consumer
