Diaries Magazine

An Open Letter to My Nearest and Dearest Re: My Birthday

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
Dearly Beloved,
We are gathered here today to discuss my upcoming birthday.
As you know, cherished nearest and dearest, extended family, close friends, and those fond enough of me to purchase birthday giftage, I’ll be turning  25 again  a little bit older than 25 in a few weeks.
This year, I figured I’d get in before you start quizzing each other on what to get me, and then give up because you have no clue, and end up either asking me directly, or resorting to crap giftage.
For your reference, crap giftage includes, but is not limited to :
- Scratchies Unless you can guarantee they’ll win, and win more than $10
- Lotto tickets Unless you can guarantee they’ll win, and win more than $10
- Flowers Yes #1Hubby, it’s impressive when you walk in the door brandishing a bouquet.  But it dies quickly, and until it does die I have to maintain it and take care of it and you know I don’t do flowers or gardens.  The only living things I maintain are the children, ok?
- Clothing You’ll never get it right.  Style, colour, size.  Never.  Not even you, #1Nana.
- Books Yep, don’t really read much paper material these days.  I know that’s bad, but deal with it.
- Ornaments and/or ornamental objects Don’t got the space.  Don’t got the inclination to admire it.
- Jewellery Yes #1Hubby, again I’m talking to you.  I loves me some sparkles, but when you’re unsure if you’ve got me an impressive enough gift, do not – I repeat do not – resort to adding in a cheap bracelet or necklace from Zamels or Goldmark that has been further reduced to $14.95.  Firstly, I know when you’ve done this, because my super sensitive skin sends me into an eczema frenzy any time I wear fake stuff for even an hour.  Also, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a less is more girl where jewelry is concerned.  Save the pennies darling, and one day we’ll go check out Argyle diamonds  if #1Nana doesn’t gracefully expire first, allowing me to suck hers off her finger before her good self has gone cold.
- Anything from Crazy Clarkes Anything.  It’s not that I’m a brand snob.  I just really like trawling the aisles of discount and dodgy foreign versions of name brands for myself.  Don’t take the fun out of it for me, okay?
Not to appear ungrateful, I’ve also helpfully drawn up a wish list of birthday presents.  Some of it is substantial.  Okay all of it is substantial, so I fully permit you to go in together and get me one impressive gift between you.
Approved giftage :
- iAnything iPod, iPad, iPhone.  You choose.
- Espresso machine Just to clarify, that does not mean a cheap coffee plunger that cost you $4.99 at Red Dot.
It means one of these lovelies:

An open letter to my nearest and dearest re: my birthday

Nespresso with milk frother attachment, because I'm a bit precious about manual milk frothing

To be delivered by this lovely:

An open letter to my nearest and dearest re: my birthday

Hello George...

- Booze Not the cheap stuff.  Not the stuff you normally see me drinking that I buy myself.  In short – nothing in cardboard.
I’m not entirely sure how many more hints I can drop about this one.  I’ve even resorted to blatant requests and begging.  But still, none of you appease me.  I want to try expensive, fancy, hoity-toity Bubbly, damnit.
So please stick to the following options, should you go for booze : Cristal Moet Veuve Clicquot Veuve Clicquot Rosé Bollinger Mumm Dom Perignon Vodka (not honey flavoured) Gin Scotch Lifetime supply of Mojito’s
Totally  to be expected  telling that my most extensive and detailed list is booze.
- Tickets to Michael Bolton Just kidding.

An open letter to my nearest and dearest re: my birthday

Seriously, don't even think about it

- Babysitting Don’t care who does it.  You can even do it yourself if you’re  stupid brave  kind enough.
- Sponsorship As if you haven’t already had enough of me banging on about getting sponsorship for the DigitalParents Conference 2012.  You could easily shut me up by coughing up the cash.  Just saying.
- Cash Speaking of cash.  I love it.  If you don’t have the time to go out and get me a Nespresso and book George Clooney to deliver it, then I’m happy to organize that myself if you want to just hand over the cash.  You’re welcome.
- Vin Diesel If George Clooney isn’t available
- Wentworth Miller If George Clooney and Vin Diesel aren’t available
- The Rock If George Clooney, Vin Diesel and Wentworth Miller aren’t available
You have exactly 22 days.
It should be really easy for you now that I’ve provided such a generously extensive wish list.
God speed.
And also, you’re welcome. 

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