Diaries Magazine

An Open Letter to Ikea

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
An open letter to Ikea
Dear Ikea
No, not you Sales, Customer Service, weird grocery and food items area, or various departments of furnishings etcetera.
I'm talking to you, Ikea Foodhall peeps.
I. Love. You.
I love your meatballs with chips.  I even love that weird jam you serve with them.  I love that you never call me out on ordering a cheapie kids meal size for myself, even when I don't have any kids with me.
I love that you have kiddy crockery and cutlery, all plastic and in abundant supply for when my kids drop it / stick it up their nose / throw it across the room like a projectile missile.
I love that you have plastic cups for free water.  I really love that you turn a blind eye to my cheap self then using the free water cup to fill up on soft drinks.  It's not that I'm desperate for Lemonade and too cheap to pay for it.  It's actually just that I seriously love using the soft drink machine.  Really.  If you ever want to go full silver service and employ someone to fill the drinks - I am your girl.
I love your cakes.  I loves your bottomless coffee.
I love your kiddy play area, complete with movies and kiddy sized tables and chairs.
I love your microwave for heating any food I may or may not have bought in with me.  Yeah I know that's not the intended use, but you let me do it anyway, bless you.
I really love your free disposable bibs.  Which I may or may not have worn myself the last time I attempted your pasta neopolitana while wearing a white top.  But it's okay, because it was a kids serve and I sat at the mini kids table.  With ONE of my kids and SIX others that I did not even know - which made it a little awkward when trying to make polite dinner conversation, as I had no idea what my companions were into, and it certainly wasn't the weather, politics, the state of the economy, or global warming (which is probably for the best, as I know bugger all about any of these things).
So now that I've done the right thing and built you up with all that love and praise....let me tear you down...
Here's what I'm not so enamoured with :
Having to PAY for a TEASPOON of cream to go with my cake.  If you were offering up a decent portion, then perhaps 50 cents would be acceptable.  To be honest, I didn't even bother checking what you were charging me for 2 x one teaspoon portions of cream, and I'm sure it wasn't much.  But still.  It used to be free.  And it used to be a much more generous serving when it was free.
Actually that's all.
I was all ready to launch into a ranty tanty soap box moment, but I've got nothing else to say about your foodhall.
I will end it with a bit more loving :
I love your $3.95 kids meal bags, because they are quite healthy, and the kids love them.  When I was there today, I stocked up and bought NINE of them, so that I can be my usual lazy self and not have to bother with their lunches for the next 3 days.  And I'm not even kidding.  I swear to Vodka, I did. 
Totally worth the puzzled and horrified looks of other shoppers, as I pushed my trolley full of lunch bags and only 2 kids around your entire bloody shop, trying to find the bloody exit for over 20 bloody minutes.  I got a little bit dizzy, a lot disorientated.  At one point, I was going against the flow of the arrows taped on the ground.  I figured, what the hell - I'm already copping strange stares for my collection of kids lunch bags, I may as well go against the arrows too.
And yes, it was a little bit of a thrill to rebel against the conformity-inducing arrows.
But it didn't get me any closer to the exit.
Anyway, Ikea, I just wanted to let you know that I visited you for one single item (and also a trip to your Foodhall).
I did not get it.
I did, however, get two packs of textas for the twin tornado.  They already have squillions, but what's another 24 among friends, right?
I did, however, get a miniature plastic drinkware set for the kids.  They already have squillions, but what's another set of 8 among friends, right?
I did, however, get a TV cabinet dirt cheap.  I wasn't looking for or in need of one.
I did, however, get two sets of funky kitchen storage tins.  I wasn't looking for or in need of any.
I did, however, get a great bathmat, toilet brush and holder, toothbrush holder (and therefore the *mandatory* matching cup and soap dish), and hand towels for the bathroom.  I wasn't looking for or in need of any of this.
I did, however, get another odd wine glass to add to my set of unmatching wine glasses.  I wasn't looking for or in need of one.
Anyway, beloved Ikea, I just wanted to let you know that it may be a while before I visit again.
#1 Hubby is a bit peeved at my purchases.  He can sense credit card usage a mile away.  It is his own personal sixth sense.  He just happened to 'drop by home' in the middle of the workday, and caught me lugging the new TV cabinet inside.
I had been planning on just sliding it into place, and hoping he wouldn't notice. It's white and tall, our old one was black and low....I may've been a bit optimistic to hope for this switch to go unnoticed.
Anyway he was ok with it when I showed him what a bargain it was - and I do mean showed him - because he demanded to see the receipt since he is so used to me claiming every single thing I buy is on special / heavily discounted.
And he was happy to see I was actually speaking the truth on this occasion.  Until the receipt kept unfolding, and unfolding, and unfolding.  Kind of like one of those 'ye olde worlde' scrolls being unfurled.  He walked over to the crazy cheap new cabinet that was a BARGAIN....and opened all the drawers and found everything else I'd bought, hidden inside.
So, it will be a while before I'm allowed to come visit again.
I know, I know, as if I'd ever let #1 Hubby tell me where I could go to shop or eat.  AS IF!
But I'm going to let him think he's had a win this time.  Because I noted on your free kiddy-play area, that you don't take kids under 3 years of age.  I find this to be outrageously ageist of you!  Think of all the 2+2/3 yr olds who you are excluding!
Coincidentally, the twin tornado happen to be 2+2/3yrs of age, and I would be more than happy to visit again, if I could  uncerimoniously dump  drop them off for a lovely 90 minute play while I enjoyed my $1.95 unlimited coffee refills in peace.
Failing this change in your ageist age policy, I will see you in 1/3 of a year.  Save me 2 places in the play area please.
Signing off,PP
An open letter to Ikea

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