Marriage has only been about love and deep connection for about the last 100 years in the Western world. Until recently, this merger of two families was about economic security, and very often family and community harmony. That changed when courting gave way to dating with the invention of the automobile and young people could leave the house and the watchful eyes of their parents.
Love, intimacy, caring, and emotional support were now on the table as options within a marriage and couples slowly flocked to that new ideal. However, they continued to get the emotional support, friendship, connection, and shared interests from others within a broader social circle as well. People had social connection outside the home and relied on different relationships for different things. That began to change in the 1970s and 1980s.
Slowly, the spouse became the source of all of those interpersonal needs as broader social connections dwindled. Our friend groups shrank, we spent more time at home, and we began to expect that our partners would fill that gap. For some, that changing expectation strengthened the relationship. For others, it simply made evident the holes in the relationship. Not surprisingly, more and more states began to pass no-fault divorce laws (why those didn't come about until recently is a topic for another time!).
Interestingly, while this was happening, we were also spending more time at work. The average number of hours in the workweek increased steadily, even though our paychecks weren't keeping pace. So, we were spending more time at work, and thus beginning to expect more from our employers as well. We now spend an overwhelming majority of our time at home or work. For many, these two spaces have even merged, whether by choice or circumstance (thanks, Covid).
This has led employers to offer more and more perks to attract and retain employees. The office is no long just your workplace, but it may be your gym, your restaurant, your café, your daycare, your psychologist's office, your local bar, and your social club. The excesses of Silicon Valley no doubt most exemplify this cultural shift. We've been conditioned to expect everything from our employer in the same way that we now expect everything from our partner.
This has perhaps led to some unrealistic and unhealthy expectations in both spheres. More importantly, it has enabled us to avoid forming connected relationships outside of them. Work and relationships have both become all or nothing propositions, and to our detriment. It's not realistic to expect any one entity to provide for us what can be provided by a wider network.
We often hear folks talk about being committed to a "work/life balance". It's even become trendy again as more young people begin to pass on the 80 hour work weeks in favor of more time with family and friends. This is great. We just need to remember that it's not "work/home balance". The more we form relationships outside of both spheres, develop a broader support network, and socialize with a more diverse group of people, the happier we will be. In our relationships with our partner and our employer.
