Hello!
Below we recount the heartwarming story of our travel guru The Tightfisted Traveller’s recent trip to Lapland. You can read more of his adventures here and here!
This Christmas Ma Fightback and I thought about taking Ginger Junior to Lapland to see Santa.
The price quoted by the Travel Agent caused my spleen to rupture. But what price memories? Not that much.
Disappointed, we trudged back to the multi storey car park in Staines. As we looked for the Focus (why do we always forget what level it is on!) we bumped into friend and economy traveller Contour D. Klepto.
I explained my predicament and he handed me a copy of his latest book “Drug Muling – How To See The World On The Cheap”. As luck would have it, Chapter 7 outlined a recent trip to Lapland.
Day 1 – London Liverpool Street – 07.48 train to Harwich. Seal myself in rucksack after settling on luggage rack. Find DVD of the classic adventure yarn The Vikings in bag. An omen for a trip to Scandinavia?
Day 1 – Harwich – Stowaway on SS Norrkoping which plies between Harwich and Esbjerg. It brings bacon and butter from Denmark and takes metaphors and allegories in the opposite direction. I disguise myself as an anecdote and set sail across North Sea. This reminds me of a rather funny story……..
Day 2 – Esbjerg, Denmark – make my way to Denmark’s largest pig farm. Spend three weeks living with a Sow (who I name Barbie) and her piglets. Discover that pig milk is perfectly drinkable. The suckling is tricky though. Barbie displays lesbian tendencies.
Day 24 – I am vacuum sealed into a family sized value pack of streaky bacon. Taken to Copenhagen.
Day 25 – Copenhagen – Don an Ugly Duckling outfit – recite this and other Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales to earn passage to Sweden.
Day 29 – Deported from Denmark under the 1895 Cobblers Rendition of Hans Christian Andersen Fairy Tales Act. Find myself on a ferry for Gothenburg, Sweden!
Day 29 – Thrown overboard by a group of Hans Christian Andersen fundamentalists who take exception to my Ugly Duckling outfit. They live their lives based purely on the moral code of Hansy’s fairy tales. “We are pure, we are not staid, now swim with the Little Mermaid!” is their cry as I am tipped into the Gulf of Bothnia.
Day 31 – Still bobbin in Bothnia – befriended by a Cod who I call Bob.
Day 36 – Through the fog I spy the prow of a ship. As it draws near I see that it is a long ship of Viking Yore! I fish in my rucksack and pull out my DVD of The Vikings, wave it furiously and cry, “ODIN!”
Day 36 – Relieved to see the Gothenburg Viking And Cod Appreciation Society. Although it is an emotional farewell to Bob the Cod. Well as emotional as you can be with a Cod, who I suspect has lesbian tendencies.
Day 36 – “ODIN!” I cry once more.Bjorn, the captain (and advocate of Cod love) cajoles me.
Day 38 – Gothenburg – After a night of wenching, cleaving and Connect 4, I bid goodbye to The Crew of “The Ryvita” and begin the walk north to Lapland. Bjorn, with a tear in his eye, thrusts Sweden’s most sacred object in my hand. Abba’s Greatest Hits.
Day 39 – Stockholm – Whilst whistling Super Trouper I am chased by gang of Abba Fundamentalists who live their lives according to the lyrics of this mythical four piece. Bennybjorn Law is a growing cult in Scandinavia and like North Africa there is talk of an Abba Spring.
Day 39 – Stockholm – to avoid Abba Fundamentalists I insert myself into a IKEA flat pack storage unit in the grounds of a giant IKEA superstore. Sleep.
Day 41 – Awake to find myself and other items of reasonably priced flat pack furniture heading north! Whistle Dancing Queen to raise my spirits.
Day 43 – Umeå – Search in my rucksack and find long lost Reindeer suit. I name myself Volvo. Join herd of Reindeer that are being shipped north for the Christmas tourist season. Discover that pig impersonation is more fun than reindeer impersonation. But there you go.
Day 44 – Northern Sweden – A Buck takes a shine to me. His antlers are very sharp. After darning the hole in my reindeer suit I make a break for it – and begin the trudge north. Whilst humming the tune to The Winner Takes It All – a pack of Abba Fundamentalists, all sporting blue mascara, crocheted skull caps and platform boots appear from the taiga and give chase.
Day 67 – I finally out-run the Abba Hordes and find myself on the Lapland border. Phlegmatic people. The sight of a careworn traveller in an ill-fitting Reindeer outfit does not perturb them.
Day 73 – Finally one offers me a lift! Lasse a manicurist. As we drive he plays traditional folk melodies on his nail clippers. I crave Abba.
Day 75 – Bid Lasse adieu. My cuticles have never looked better!
Day 80 – I am in Lapland! It is the Arctic equivalent of Hooters. I decide to stay for a short while.
Day 96 – What is there to say about Lapland? Topless elves pole dance, pixies snort cocaine from the bellies of nubile fairies and Rudolph’s red nose is clearly due to an ongoing relationship with Eggnog.
As for Santa? Ho Ho Ho as Snoop Dogg’s Santa might say.
Disappointed but it is mid-May by the time I arrive, but I did save a fortune!
Price Comparison
Lapland Wonder Tours To Santa’s Grotto
Flights; London to Enontekio – Time 2 hrs 30 minutes
2 Day Package – £899 per person
Tight Fisted Traveller
Time Taken 2,306 Hours
Travel Costs – Nil!
You Decide!
