I bet you thought you had won didn’t you? I hadn’t said anything for years you probably thought you had gotten away with what you did to me. Well you was wrong I had spoken out just no one listened to me, I was 14 and you and mom had started to message each other again and I was petrified you was going to come back into our lives. How could I be in a house with you knowing what you did to me and that you could do it again?
I spoke to a neighbor who helped me tell my mom but she didnt listen told me she had gone to the police that you had been arrested. But still no one ever came to speak to me about it so I started to question if she had really gone but how could I ask my mom if she was lying? I overheard her telling my nana and them both talking saying that if it was true why I never shouted it out in an argument after it had happened. I was 12 years old, I didnt even understand what you had done to me didnt know what to do.
That made my mind up that mom had never gone to police as she hadnt believed me. She never told anyone else in the family apart from my brother but she told people down the terrace about it “so they didn’t ask questions when the police came.” No excuse to tell people we had only known for a month! Even more reason for me to think she never believed me.
After I told her she made no effort not to mention you in front of me. Never once mentioned it afterwards, never explained what happened with the police. But now I know she never called them did she? I started to self harm and really lost all confidence in myself and didn’t see any point of life.
I couldn’t speak out if my own mother didn’t believe me then who would? I got a boyfriend who was a lot older then me, ended up pregnant with no way of telling anyone. How would they react? My boyfriend made it clear what he wanted me to do, abortion.
I didn’t want this I was 14 my life was a mess I had a lot on without the pressure so I agreed and started the procedure but I ended up miscarrying through stress. Still no ones knows about this apart from close friends my boyfriend and my little sister who was with me when I found out. I skipped school a lot couldn’t make friends, hated being alone with men.
My relationship ended I felt like I was at rock bottom. Started seeing someone else but he was always threatening me saying he would back hander me laughing at me. That soon ended and I was alone for a while. I left school and started college made a couple of friends and seemed to be moving forward with my life. An old crush got in touch and we started seeing each other he wanted to move in together and start a family.
I clung to this as I had found someone who wanted me for me despite this being too quick we hadn’t been together long. He started to be controlling thou didn’t want me to spend a night at my house with out him always wanted to be with me I couldn’t breathe. Then a friends brother showed interest I left my relationship to be with him.
Deep down I didn’t know what I wanted and just clung to anything or anyone who showed an interest to make myself feel better despite who or what they was like. I was scared of being on my own it was like my life was one big act and I couldnt tell anyone what was really bugging me, you! I was suffering from a few flashbacks when ever I saw anyone in town that looked like you I would freeze but still I could not speak out. Trapped in silence as who would believe me? I even questioned my own sanity sometimes asking myself if it really happened?
You made me like this and I didnt like what I was but my new boyfriends family made me welcome. Included me in everything they did made me feel like I belonged. Again I clung to this as I was happy with the family but not with him. He put me down all the time saying I needed make up on constant remarks about the way I looked acted everything.
Even slagging me off for not sleeping with him straight away and the way I was in bed. He made fun of me all the time in front of his mates and when we were alone. He flirted with other girls and even laughed online with his exes whilst I was their letting them call me and him adding comments telling me to look away. But still I stayed because his family made me welcome.
Eventually he ended it and I was in peices I was 16. The only thing that kept me going was I thought I was pregnant. Then I found out I was I was happy again no one was going to tell me what to do with this baby he or she was mine and I was going to have her. I told the dad and he just made me feel like I should have aborted our unborn child but I was determined to do this alone or not. He made my life hell during my pregnancy.
I longed for a boy and I didnt know why untill I found out I was expecting my daughter and I realised. I was scared for my child scared that she would be abused like you did to me. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to protect her I let you get away with it you were free how many more of you were in the world? I vowed I would protect her as best as I could and I wouldn’t let any man hurt her.
When she was a month old an old neighbour, a very good friend of my mums started to show an interest and we decided to get together but I wanted to keep it quiet from family until I knew that this time I was happy for the right reasons and I was in love. I had this little girl to think of instead of myself. I threw myself into mother hood and for the first time since you did what you did I was happy, I was me again I knew what I wanted I could think straight.
I put you to the back of my mind and shut you out as best as I could. I put all my effort into my little girl and into my new relationship. It was hard work but I found someone who did love me for me and understood everything about me. Someone I could talk to without being judged someone I could be honest with and open up to. And most of all someone I could love back and trust.
I got my first home and we spent a lot of time together and were getting on really well we eventually told the family. Hes 27 years older than me and as you can imagine my uncles reaction, they didn’t like it. But I didnt care they didnt know what I had been through and wouldnt understand how I finally knew what made me happy and this was being with this man and my daughter my own family at last I could start living I stopped self-harming and was normal.
Then the devastating news that my cousin had died hit me. She was only 9 and had just stopped breathing. I was in bits. You where her dad and I knew that you would have to be informed even though you never showed any interest in her and never had contact which I was thankful of. I knew if you saw her I would of not kept quiet despite who would or wouldn’t believe me I would of done anything to protect her.
I was then told you where attending the funeral. I panicked how would I cope after not seeing you for 7/8 years. I started having terrible flash backs and could feel myself going back to the old me the one I thought I had left behind. I was determined to go to the funeral she was MY cousin I wasnt going to let her down I was going to say my goodbyes. I was told you wouldnt be attending the wake so I had arranged for my little girl to be looked after until then and she was coming to the wake with me to say her goodbyes. She was 16months old just started walking and I had told the family she would be there.
We arrived at the funeral early no one was there yet apart from my auntie sue uncle john and their son. Next to arrive was mom with her boyfriend. Then a red car came down the drive and past us my mom said “Hes here.” and turned to her boyfriend. I looked across and saw you walking towards us. I panicked I started to shake my mom came and gave you a cuddle! I was so upset I walked off my boyfriend follwed me I was a mess crying a shaking how could my mother, the woman that’s meant to look out for me, knowing what she did come and give you a hug?
I was angry upset hurt scared all emotions mixed into one. But I had to be strong for that little girl that had been taken from us. This was her day and no one was going to destroy this. When I was told you were going to carry the coffin I felt sick I felt like I had let my cousin down but still I could not say anything. How could you carry her knowing what you did how could you come playing the father role after what you did! Even my nana gave you a cuddle defending you outside saying you had every right to be there.
Even she knew what you had done. The service was lovely and I focused on the picture of my cousins smiling face on her coffin vowing that I would of kept her safe from you no matter what. Outside you disappeared and I thought you had gone for good once more. I got in a car with my auntie and her boyfriend and a family friend who dropped us in town to pick up my little girl and join everyone at the pub, only in the car I was told you would be at the pub.
My stomach churned. We got out of the car and made our way to our little girl but I was panicking my boyfriend kept saying that we didnt have to go we could go home, but everyone was expecting us and my daughter needed to pay her respects to the cousin she knew. I wasnt going to let her down and said we would keep our distance.
Only it wasn’t that easy was it ?
The pub was tiny and whenever I turned around you were there. Asking everyone questions about me watching My little girl. Laughing with my family! Probably laughing at me too at what you did and what you had gotten away with. I needed some air and some time out so went for a walk to see if my daughter had won in her competition. My auntie and boyfriend came with us and she was talking about you saying that spark was still there between you and mom and telling me all what you had said about me asking how old I was now who was that with me was that my little girl. I felt sick I wanted to scream at everyone what you did but this was my cousin’s day.
When we got back to the pub you had gone and I thought I would never have to face you again. How wrong was I? After that day family added you on Facebook., even my brother! I messaged my brother and he told me straight he didnt believe me. I started to have really bad flashbacks again, lost all confidence again, started having nightmares kept freezing for no reason. Arguing with my boyfriend for no reason I just wanted to hurt someone like I was hurting inside like how you hurt me and even after all those years you still seemed to get into my head feel like I was under your control how?
I was on mums Facebook one day when I noticed you had both been messaging saying how nice it was to see each other again. I was a wreck my boyfriend urged me to go to the police and a woman I spoke to a lot at the playgroup I went to told me to go to the police as I could still get justice even now. But what was the point? Who would believe me, my own mother couldn’t believe me?
It wasn’t until I realised I was letting you walk letting you potentially do it again. How many woman out there was like me who didn’t have the strength to speak up and letting men go out and do it again to someone else’s little girl. Who was protecting my daughter from these men?
I made my decision I was going to the police. I was scared that they wouldn’t believe me and kept changing my mind even right up to the desk at the police station I was changing my mind. I couldn’t find my words I started to shake and cry as my boyfriend explained what I was there for. The bloke behind the desk was really nice and arranged for someone to come to speak to me. I made a statement then arranged to do a video statement and thought all my worry’s where over but really they were just beginning.
I had to tell all the family. Before I did this I saw you in town in the job center you looked at me and smirked and laughed at me. Only this time I felt stronger you were going to get what you deserved. I couldn’t tell my family my boyfriend had to do I couldn’t, couldn’t devastate them like this scared they didn’t believe me again. I went to mums first to tell her what I had done she didn’t say much and even refused to come and tell my uncle with me.
We arrived at my uncles and planned to go to my aunties afterwards the auntie mom had told me you abused years ago but nothing ever came about it. I didn’t know if i believed mom or not as my auntie never spoke about it and seemed ok with you. We were all laughing and joking and having a good time which made a change with my family but we were.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak up and shatter the laughter and happiness in the house so my boyfriend did it for me whilst I crumbled and started shaking and crying at my family having to find out. I wanted to protect them from what had happened.
You can imagine my uncle’s reaction, well take that image in your head and times it by 10 and you will be close to how he reacted. I was so upset at what you had done to my family and the torture you had put onto them now finding out what you had done yet you still had the ignorance to contact them and stay in touch. I then found out that your ex’s daughter had just accused you of the same. I was so upset; I could have stopped that if I had spoken out sooner.
How many more was there?
Then the question came out I asked my auntie and she said that it was true you had abused her but when she spoke out the same thing happened no one believe her. She had suffered in silence having to watch you become engaged to her sister. She told me that she acted normal with you as she wanted you to see that you had not won. My uncle messaged my mom and she said I didn’t want anyone to know back then and that it wasn’t her place to say anything. I was 14! I told her in belief that she would sort it being my mom.
It was a cry for help that fell on deaf ears. Thankfully the rest of the family believed me and back me up 100%. You have now been arrested and been charged with 2 accounts of sexual abuse with a minor using penetration with a body part/ thing. You were at court not so long ago and pleaded not guilty.
Now it has to go to trial and I have decided I’m going to attend court and give my evidence in the court room. Since going to the police my nightmares and flashbacks and things have become worse I’m constantly worrying about you and what will happen.
I’m constantly going into daze and remembering everything you did to me and how you got into my head and controlled me. What you caused but I’m adamant you will not win and once court is over hopefully I can put all this behind me and really move on with my life.
I will never forget what you did to me and I will never forgive you but I’m damn sure I will not let you win not now not ever! You did what you did for no reason at all apart from your own pleasure and you deserve everything that is thrown at you in the future.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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