So I am back to the “self-awareness wheel” , if you have not been reading up on these posts * hit the link on the word: wheel. *
I don’t believe I will get off this wheel, until I learn about the height and depth of God’s love.
I believe I am learning to become more involved in denying myself. A month ago, (which seems like it was five months ago), I left my full-time job to make room for my daughter, who is coming via adoption. I found out this past week that she was coming . I received word from her case worker. Indeed my intuition was confirmed: It took a while, but I knew a month ago I had to take action and “make room” for our blessing. Whew!
That feels so good, to know that you indeed heard that your life was too fast and too overwhelming for mothering a child and that this fast-paced life had to change. Fortunately, I had options, or it would have been very hard to walk off a job I really enjoyed. But the more the desire for ‘mothering’ grew in my spirit, the more my needs and desires began to also shift.
Although I have been busy, since not working full-time; surprisingly busy – I was fine with how I was spending my time. However, it was hard for a moment trying to see where this situation was going. So I decided over this past month to reflect on what changes I had made that opened the door for mothering. One of them, was my transparency. I joined an awesome group of women, and began to share like NEVER before about how I felt about being barren. (Ouch! I hate to use that word.) But sharing for me, opened up a flood gate. I began to settle into a peace I had not had before.
My husband and I traveled to Stillwater, Oklahoma this past weekend, where we found out the news. It was interesting, because my hopes were low. The day was dull, cold, a mere 53 degrees in May, for goodness sake! I wasn’t feeling going an hour away just to find out a status and not hear anything good. So far, the adoption news has been brief, uniforming and disappointing. So I was not happy. When I received the news and told Tim, he sort of looked at me as if to say: ” is anything going to change this time, or will we get more of what we have had before?”
So two days later, we travel to Stillwater and my only hope is in the name: Still. Water. Having an idea of how God moves when he likes to give surprises, I really honed in on the name and tried to think of everything I could think of to encourage myself. As my husband and I pondered the words :”still water“…. I silently laughed to myself. I thought of everything I could think about waters being calm in the word of God.
This thinking led me to this passage in the Bible : Mark 4:35- 41
On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” 
I felt like one of those disciples on my way to Stillwater, Oklahoma at the time. For real…
I noticed my soul (my mind , will and emotions) had fell asleep — but in a good way. Maybe that was rest? ( I dunno.)
I found myself being fine with the outcome of why we traveled there , regardless. I settled within myself this was God’s purpose. and we would find it, or we found not, but it still had a purpose.
Here’s where God met me: I was settled in my soul. ever tried to settle your soul when you have very little hope?
Well the Bible says: ? “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 1:1
I had some serious substance down in my heart, boy… I tell you! I knew that I had to believe beyond myself. My own thought, my own imaginations… And I did. I didn’t even form an opinion and possibly didn’t even breathe!
Today, I looked up the word ’substance’ and found these words, which are so relevant: concreteness, core, fabric, force , actuality , wealth, matter, reality. I liked this, because it made me later reflect upon how I tend to think on matters. I am often thinking about the way things actually are. I am a factual thinker. I look for and think facts, all the time. It helps me to focus on the good, in every situation.
I saw several things in my factual- selfless way of thinking:
1. One, being the place we were going to. On the way there, I settled within that I would receive answers, and whether they were good or bad, at least I would know something, and I would manage how to deal with what I received when I got them, and not one second sooner.
2. I also knew that God was working out His good for Her. I couldn’t prove it, but I stood on this word in Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” When I heard some of the things she had dealt with in the past month, I knew God had graced her through them, and was getting her ready for us.
The word called means to be divinely selected or invited…. but to call also means to ” have a need , or a reason for action.
3. I also knew God was working out His good for ME. I had over the past month really struggled with wanting to know, and being tired of waiting, but in this process God began to unfold that I had not been very transparent with Him, nor had my lack of sharing brought me to a peaceful place. I was ‘storming inside’, if you will. I was not settled. So therefore, I needed to settle on that truth and rest there. * I am thinking this is what Jesus did in the boat. I am not sure if Jesus was sleeping or not; but indeed He was resting in the reason for WHY He had to remain still – to reveal His glory and His presence, despite how things looked.
I say all this to say that My reasoning has an impact upon how I respond to matters. I trusting mind responds with good reason. A trusted mind also responds in such a way they consider how all things are working together for good… it’s not just all about them. It becomes more about God’s divine purpose working out evenly – in every situation.
I believe this is why the Word of God says:
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3
