People tend to think that all is well from their external observation, Sophie is in recovery and life is moving forward rather than backwards. A very easy assumption to make, after all she has been in a good stage of recovery for sometime now, so of course you should have all moved on.
Wrong.
Sophie is still dealing with the legacy of having anorexia. The dreams, sudden fears and panic attacks of slipping backward, the literal distance between her and me and being unable to cope on her own at times. She still doesn’t know how to talk to someone else outside of the family and therapy people about her illness. She fears that knowledge in the hands of others will mark her out as ‘always the anorexic’. She is still finding it overwhelming dealing with feelings and emotions after being numb for so long. It literally floors her until she can find the path through all the emotional forest to the other side.
Her brothers still have questions, and have had their own therapy sessions this year in talking about how ti was for them. Again they don’t want to talk to anyone other than a qualified therapist. It is all too hard, and they find no one else barely understands what it was like for them. As for Will, I cannot even begin to express where he is just now. The journey is harder for him than Sophie. The medication doesn’t work right or enough, the 4 therapists he has cannot find the ‘key’ or ‘answer’ to help him. He is still wanting to ‘check out’. Another psychiatrist has been brought into the picture now and that alone makes him feel he is a too hard case to solve.
As for me, the mum, in all this, I too am on the recovery road still from the anorexia. It sill brings fears when I hear Sophie say certain things or do certain things. Fear that she may be slipping, or her mind is still doing un-conscience ED behaviours. I still find myself feeding her more than she needs. I still remember too closely the feelings, fears and awfulness of that whole time. As much as I am moving away and stepping into a new life, the past is still there. And as any mum/parent is aware, the thought and knowledge that this can all happen again – very easily. I too still use therapy as I reach each next stage of recovery to point to the next stage and steps. This is where my faith steps in and holds me strong. Without God I could not let Sophie go as easily as I have and live her own life in a different city. I trust Him with her safety and her recovery.
It takes a long time to develop an eating disorder, it takes even long to recover. It is never just the suffer who experiences this, but the family, loved ones around them. There is no timeline for ‘being recovered’ for anyone involved. As humans, there is grief, guilt, change, relationships and trauma (all part of the anorexia experience) that have to be traveled and sorted before we can smile again at the future. Be gentle with us who are in recovery. Don’t expect too much, or expect us to bare our souls to you. It takes time.