But, since I have already received two Pottery Barn holiday catalogs (The personalized Santa sacks are already on sale. Seriously.), I figured it must be time.
So, without further ado, the only holiday guide you’ll ever need:
Am I supposed to buy my pets gifts?
Well, you do love them, don’t you? Like, enough not to feed them chicken by-product meal? Then buy them a few gifts. And a little Santa hat with a chinstrap. And have some portraits taken, won’t you, you heartless fool?
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Which end of the candy cane should I tackle first?
I guess it depends what kind of mood you’re in. If you’re feeling playful, I’d start with the hook. Your fellow employees, I’m sure, always get a kick out of your trout impression.
What color Christmas lights should I set up in my yard?
Here’s the rule of thumb: If there’s only one dealership in your state for the car you drive, use white only. More than one? Colored. But never mix them. And don’t mix blinking and non-blinking. That shit’s just ghetto.
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Should we get an Elf on the Shelf?
Well, let me put it to you this way: If you, say, work out at 6am for a week and then quit, no.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia
I enjoy making Christmas cookies. When should I start?
Honestly? Last month. Get on that.
Christmas Tree: Real or Artificial?
If you have kids, dogs, cats, rabbits, or any other type of fauna (invited or otherwise), go for artificial. If you’re a lunatic who enjoys cleaning up pine needles until July, a real one.
Ooh! But I want a REAL tree. Should we tag one at the tree farm?
What are you, a freak? Go buy one at Home Depot.
When should I start listening to Christmas music?
On the car ride home from your Thanksgiving dinner. Not one moment sooner.
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Will I *finally* get that Lexus with the giant red bow on it this year from Santa?
Probably not. Chances are, you’ll end up with a hangover and five pounds of leftover ham.
Gift Cards: Tacky or Terrific?
Tough question. If you like finding them on the floor of your car six months after the store has gone out of business (true story), terrific. Otherwise, tacky. Unless it’s an office gift exchange. Then it’s terrific. Especially if it’s for Chipotle.
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And since we’re on the subject, should I have my Christmas shopping done already?
You’re one of those container people, aren’t you? With the containers? Lined up? On shelves? Labeled, with dates and contents written on the outside? Whatever, Overachiever. Just go away.
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Nutcrackers: A legitimate component of Christmas pageantry or a way to rile up Uncle Randy after a few beers?
I can’t answer this one. For this, you’ll have to look deep inside.
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Should we open *just one gift* on Christmas Eve?
Are you crazy? Santa doesn’t come until we’re all asleep! There shouldn’t even be one gift out there to open. Shame on you.
Christmas Caroling: Yay or Nay?
I don’t know. Do you find it awkward to be standing at your doorway, in your pajamas, in the cold, watching boogers drip down strangers’ faces while they sing Silent Night off-key? You tell me.
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When should I take down my Christmas decorations?
About a month after your neighborhood association sends you that nasty email.
