5 DON'Ts for Dating Single Parents

Here's a copy of one of my recent posts on Moms Fort Wayne by Fort Wayne Newspapers.  Whether your a Mom or a Momish, check it out.  You wont be sorry.
I am asked frequently about dating someone with children. Is it a good idea? Should kids be a deal breaker?  Were you afraid to date someone with kids? How did you get comfortable with it? The questions go on forever.  My single friends will often comment on how fearful they are of dating someone with kids. In fact some of my friends have stated they won't date someone with children. This might be an option in your 20s but it's unlikely to be an option if you’re over 30 and single. Today there are so many varieties of families that more likely then not, you'll find yourself attracted to a person who has children. Dating someone with children is something you need to learn to navigate.I was always one to be pretty self-assured about dating someone with kids. I grew up in a four-parent family with lots of opportunity to learn what to do or not do. I was so self-assured that when the time came to meet the fabulous young man I now call The Sonish, I was calm, cool and collected.  We were meeting at a chain restaurant for a casual sit down meal. Perfect way to go about the first meeting with a 13-year-old right? What was there to be nervous about?  It was just dinner. I knew I could handle it.  That was until I started driving to the restaurant.  I became so nervous that I had to stop along the side of the road to vomit. Yes, I was so afraid of meeting a preteen that I was heaving my guts out on the shoulder of I-69.  That wasn't exactly how I saw the night starting off.  Obviously, I got through it after I cleaned myself up, chewed an entire box of Altoids, and made it to dinner with a couple minutes to spare. To this day, we all laugh about that night. Outside of reading it here, I don’t know that The Sonish is really aware of how nervous I was. Who am I kidding? You could tell I was nervous from 50 yards away.  At least he’s always been sweet enough not to mention it.There are lots of mistakes that are easily avoidable is you’re prepared for dating someone with kids. So here’s my top 5 list of things NOT to do when dating a single parent.1. DON’T lie to yourself
If you're in the dating world and looking for a long-term relationship, take an honest look in the mirror and determine what you really want. Maybe dating someone with kids is a real turn off for you. While I personally find that logic to be short-sighted, be honest and don't date someone who has children. It's unfair to everyone (including you) to be in a relationship that isn't long term because of something that will not change.Maybe dating someone with kids is fine for you but you know you will want more children together. If this is the case, have the conversation up front with the person you're dating. While the conversation doesn't have to happen on the first few dates (wow—that could be uncomfortable), as soon as you both realize this could be something more than weekend dates or a casual fling, speak up. If your potential partner doesn't want more children or doesn't believe it's best for the children he/she already has, you need to know that. It has potential to be a painful conversation, but it will be devastating if you're not on the same page when things are really serious.Maybe dating someone with kids is fine for you and you don't want more children together.  This could be because you don't desire them (this was the case for me) or because you have medical concerns that can/will prevent you from having them (also the case for me). Again, have the conversation up front. If your partner and their children want to extend their family further once you're in the picture and you don't, that too will be devastating for everyone involved. You don't want to find yourself in a situation with a child you simply didn't want. No good will come of it.2.  DON’T rush it
There's no rush to meet someone's children. You'll know when the time is right. The beginning of a relationship can be heady and blissful making it easy to get caught up in it all and meet the children before your logical brain tells you you're ready. And speaking of things not to do, DO NOT go sneaking in and out of someone's house after bedtime and before the kids wake up. It is too risky. There's nothing more awkward then running in to a little person you've never met while sneaking to the bathroom at 2 a.m. Trust me on this one, no good will come of it.  A well thought out and communicated plan between you and your significant other will lay the foundation for a great relationship with the kids.3. DON'T Make it about you
Don’t make meeting the kids about you because it’s not about you. It’s about them.  They’re the important part of those first meetings. I know you want to get caught up in what this could mean to your life, your relationship and your future plans. Trust me. That’s exactly why I was pulled over on the side of the road that day. I had made it all about me and our relationship. Once I remembered it was about making him feel valued and important, the nerves eased up and we were fine.4.  DON’T try to be someone’s parent
The No. 1 complaint I hear from my single friends with kids is that the people they meet try to instantly become Mommy or Daddy.  With rare exceptions, the kid(s) already has a mommy or daddy and it's not your job to replace that person. Especially in the beginning it will be hard to determine your role and every situation is different. If you've been honest about your expectations as a couple, the relationship with the children will be much better.
5.  DON’T set your expectations too high
Is your head already full of the Kodak moments you plan to create, like picnics, playing at the playground, and getting the perfect holiday card pic in front of the fireplace? Newsflash! There will not happen in the beginning. Relationships take time to build, they have a lot of questions, and they do not come with instant trust. Bliss will not instantly occur and you will not instantly have that new mom glow or the new dad pep in your step that your friends who had biological children had. This is different. Don't blow your expectations out of proportion.Depending on the age of the children and their relationship to their parent, the fact that they acknowledge you at all may be a victory at the first meeting. Baby steps.Now hear me loud and clear: I'm not suggesting that the children should be the only focus or even top priority in an adult relationship. I am suggesting, however, that in the beginning you need to focus on making the young people in the relationship comfortable. They have very little control over their world that is rapidly changing, unlike you who has all of the control.  Remembering that will greatly improve your chances.The real balancing act comes in not trying too hard because kids will sense that too. If your intentions are pure and you really want what's best for the children first, kids will sense that. They may not show instant gratitude for your pure intentions, but with time you'll begin to see the payoff. There are so many great things that can come from the relationships you'll build as a potential stepparent. Just hold on and enjoy the ride.