I wish I could claim that I never watched Saved by the Bell, the NBC Saturday morning sit-com that put forth such wholesome, reality-based conceits as having glasses makes you unattractive to guys (Thanks for that, says this female, glasses-wearing since 4th grade blogger), over-the-counter caffeine pills can cause severe addiction and emotional, singing-infused meltdowns, and that it’s totally normal to have your principal come to your house and sit on your bed. I wish I could say that I saw it for what it was– a ridiculous, poorly written, clichéd laden schlock fest with dialog so tortured you couldn’t help but wonder if it had been a victim of the Spanish Inquisition. My life would be better, my shame less prominent, if I could make such a claim, but alas, I cannot. Saved by the Bell, in pretty much every incarnation, remains so entrenched in my brain, I can pick out an episode within a few seconds of a rerun gracing my television screen.
It’s near impossible to take Saved by the Bell seriously. That way, madness lies. Yet, what if one did? What if one took every premise the shittiest of shitty young adult programming and treated it like reality? The implications may alarm you. For instance:
1) Zach Morris can stop time
Anyone who watched Saved by the Bell, probably remembers Zack Morris (current sociopath and future cocaine user) and his ability to pause an episode’s action by putting left hand to right hand and shouting, “time out” to whichever inner voice was guiding him that day. Then, in Ferris Bueller-esque fashion, he would proceed to speak directly to the audience about whatever his next illegal, immoral action would be, thus making us accessories that could be prosecuted if it ever came to that.
“Listen, kids. You hate your parents, don’t you? Dooon’t you? Yeees, that’s right.”
In the meantime, everyone else remains frozen behind/ around him. Eventually, he would say, “time in,” and action would start up again, with no one realizing they’d been paused (or questioning how Zack could disappear into thin air).
Let’s deal with this for a second. Zack Morris can stop time, can bend time to his will. He’s an X-Men level mutant. This a major leap forward in human in human evolution, and no one seems to notice, even though there’s major evidence that there’s something amiss with Zack. Even more importantly, is he just stopping time for the people in his near vicinity, or does it happen at The Max too? The whole state of California? The entire universe?! It’s difficult to say, but it’s only a matter of time before Zack uses this ability to become Bayside’s first and only super villain, robbing banks and murdering innocent bystanders, or whatever enters his head.
“Yep, I’ll just take Mr. Belding’s wallet here. Glad he left it on his desk.”
And what if he forget/ chooses not to say, “time in?” Does everyone just remain frozen forever, immobile like sad, haunted mannequins? It’s only a matter of time before Zack brings the earth to its knees.
2) Screech creates artificially intelligent, sentient life
I never knew how Screech became part of this group of jocks and cheerleaders. Perhaps they’re just such wonderful people that they take pity on this poor, hopeless misfit who seems to even be scorned by the Bayside nerds. I think they may be sadistic bastards who heap massive amounts of emotional and physical abuse on a teenager with such low self-esteem that he writes off their cruelty as signs of affection.
The true sign of devoted friends.
Perhaps it’s this abuse (which normally leads to Prom Night style fatalities) that inspired Screech to make his own best friend: a robot named Kevin.
“At least you’ll love me, right?”
Now Kevin wasn’t a My Pal 2 or an Electronic Express toy. Kevin had a personality and awareness of self. He was sentient! Everyone in the cast treated this as no big deal, seemingly failing to realize that the brightest minds in technology have been trying to create this level of artificial intelligence have hit brick walls in their quests. Here, a high school student with limited equipment, space, and resources did it with no problem.
Though this may explain why his eyesight wasn’t 20/20.
Wanna know what’s even more disturbing though? Kevin just disappears, and no one asks what Screech has done to him. Maybe Screech melted him down for scrap (no doubt while turning a heartless, deaf ear to Kevin’s agonized screams).
“Here’s that towel you needed to suffocate me, Master.”
Maybe he gave him his freedom, and Kevin’s living on his own in a low-rent apartment, enduring scorn and suspicion from nearby human beings, his only comfort being Bot Girl Magazine. We’ll never know. Like owners of The Max before and after him, no one knows or cares where he went. No one cared that Screech either turned him loose on an unsuspecting public or murdered him in cold blood where he stood.
3) Zack had Kelly’s cheating boyfriend, Jeff, murdered.
We all hated Jeff. True, he was one of many Max owners (who seemed to have the life span of Spinal Tap drummers), and he was willing to take a chance on Kelly as a waitress. However, he broke up Zack and Kelly, the Lancelot and Guinevere of Saturday morning sit-coms, and for that, there could be no forgiveness.
“If ever I would leave you… it will be for a fast food manager.”
Then, to add insult to injury, he cheated on Kelly (at a club she wasn’t even old enough to get into). Kelly ended up sneaking into the club and was able to catch him in the act, and then… Jeff was never again referenced or heard from.
We know what happened, right? Zack used his “hey, I can stop time ability” to murder Jeff right then and there. Think about it. Kelly still worked at The Max, and it was still the regular hang-out. Surely, there would have to be many, very awkward encounters between Kelly and Jeff, right? Well, the Bayside kids couldn’t let that happen. Jeff had to go. We don’t know how he killed him. Maybe he’s buried with Kevin’s remains, or perhaps Zack has him weighed down in the ocean with an old surf board.
“Is Zack gonna make me an offer I can’t refuse?”
Either way, I’m certain Jeff’s last thoughts echoed a Magnetic Fields song: “I hate California girls.”
4) The entire Bayside cast suffered from a shared mental illness
There was a time when Kelly won the opportunity to work as a model in Paris, France. Bayside was completely fine with this (giving her a few assignments to keep her caught up, meaning the really beautiful student body don’t have to all of their school work—just enough to get by). Kelly left, no one mentioned her again (including her then-boyfriend, Zack, who just the week before had tried to guilt her into giving up the trip). Then, all of a sudden, there was a new girl, a motorcycle riding, leather jacket wearing, Zack Morris love interest-ing girl named Tori.
She looked happy to be there too.
Then, as quietly as an autumn leaf, Tori leaves Bayside High, Kelly returns, and no one seems to remember Tori ever existed.
“Look at me, please, I beg of you, LOOK AT ME!”
There’s only one explanation. The entire Bayside student body and faculty were so grief-stricken by the loss of freakishly peppy Kelly, they were forced to hallucinate another teenage girl to replace her. Once Kelly came back, Tori was blinked out of existence, and no one felt the need to remember how beneficial and comforting their hallucination was, and Zack never had to ponder whether or not it’s cheating if the woman doesn’t exist.
“This is just so many levels of messed up.”
I only hope hallucinations don’t have feelings and desires of their own. If they do, Tori should talk to Kevin. They’re both creations, carelessly tossed aside before their time. What a cold, dark world Bayside turned out to be.
So, what do you think? Did we miss any strange, unsettling occurrences at Bayside? Let us know in the comments!
