Time Magazine reported yesterday that certain baby soaps and shampoos lead to positive test results for marijuana in newborns. Products included shampoo manufactured by Johnson & Johnson, which despite the tests, do not contain marijuana. So please don’t try to smoke Johnson & Johnson “No More Tears” Shampoo, Ozzy Osbourne, even if you did have a mega-hit with a song by that name!
This raises the question if these products may lead to false positives in innocent-law-abiding-baby-faced adults. If so, this development could be bad news for any clean-living-baby-shampoo-users attempting to comply with a mandatory drug test as part of their employment at the local Partnership For A Drug Free America Hair Salon!
But for those unfortunate enough to wind up in tears for violating their probation by using “No More Tears Shampoo,” we at NotTheWorstNews remind you it could be worse. You could receive a false-positive drug test from the following things worse than baby shampoos:
1. Baby Shamus
We all know Shamu, the famous killer whale that seems to have been around Sea World longer than Ozzy Osbourne has been living the rock n’ roll lifestyle. We also know that these killer whales are trained to kiss trainers or audience members at various amusement parks, often in exchange for fish. But what if Shamu’s longevity was due to knowing the right drug dealer to get the same secret formula of chemicals leading to Ozzy Osbourne’s longevity? What if one of the whale’s many, many offspring is secretly slipping some ecstasy into the trainer’s mouth, just so the trainer will fail a drug test and get fired? Those killer whales get pretty jealous when they see you kissing every whale in the aquarium, you know. The only thing worse than getting fired because of an animal at SeaWorld is that you didn’t at least save face by getting fired by the smartest animals at SeaWorld: the dolphins!
2. Baby ShamWows!
Okay, to our knowledge, this technically hasn’t been invented yet, which is why we’re headed to the patent office immediately! If the ShamWow! really can hold twenty times its weight in liquid, and never needs to be thrown away, why hasn’t it been made into a diaper? Did we mention, in our patent, we’ll be using hemp as the main material, because we don’t want to pay the ShamWow people for material and we’ve read hemp is ultra-absorbent like a ShamWow!? Anyway, once our HempWhoa! Diapers are manufactured, we’ll put in a little disclaimer on the Costco 216-diaper package that handling hemp may lead to failure of a drug test. The good news is, you will have helped save the environment. The bad news is it’s hard to see the environment from a jail cell for violating probation.
3. Sham JWOWW’s
We guess it’s not a far stretch to fail a drug test inhaling the same air in a bar as any Jersey Shore paid-to-party cast member, including JWOWW. But even if that happened, you could at least feel the excitement of getting countless “likes” on Facebook for your photo with the celebrity. This could compensate for the “likes” you get when people click “like” by impulse, without reading your latest status update: “Just failed a drug test and lost my job. Bummed.” In contrast, if you fail a drug test because you inhaled the same air as a JWOWW impersonator, it’s probably because you were spending Saturday night sitting in a suburban basement, watching re-runs of the latest season of Jersey Shore, an act itself which may be sadder than the consequences of innocently failing an employer’s drug test. At least so you think, until someone whips out Guitar Hero 1, and you spend hours of your Saturday night playing Ozzy Osbourne’s “Bark At The Moon” on a fad, non-musical instrument, without being able to finish the “medium” level.
