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3 Uses For Your Mummified 14-Year-Old $5,000+ Hamburger

By Nottheworstnews @NotTheWorstNews

Yesterday, we wrote about a Utah man who turned down an offer of $5,000 for a 14-year-old mummified McDonald’s hamburger he found in his pocket.

On our comments board, funny blogger Twissblog wrote:

“My question is–now that he hasn’t sold it, what’s he going to do with it? Put it on display? Donate it to a museum?”

Thanks for your question! Obviously, there are only three options here:

3 Uses For Your Mummified 14-Year-Old $5,000+ Hamburger

1. Put it in the Bill Clinton Presidential Library since the hamburger was made when Clinton was President; Clinton loved hamburgers before becoming a vegetarian; and all the latest Presidential Library conservative “red meat” is headed to the George W. Bush Presidential Library, scheduled to open May 1.

Which one of these doesn't decompose after 14 years in tropical Utah, again?

Which one of these doesn’t decompose after 14 years in tropical Utah, again?

2. Put it in a mommy outfit to create a new McMummy McDonald’s character to scare off the Hamburglar once and for all. We don’t suggest using toilet paper to make the mommy costume, because that may remind people of E. coli bacteria, commonly found in hamburger meat that has gone bad, instead of just chillin’ out and not rotting for 14 years.

3. Sell it to the highest bidding lottery winner as soon as possible! Because, as we wrote earlier this week, lottery winners like to waste money on extravagant things, and are likely to go broke within seven years. This means they are unlikely to ever acquire their own new hamburger to age for 14 years until it is worth $5,000, as they will have to sell the asset off during bankruptcy proceedings after a mere 7 years. So let them enjoy 14-year-old aged McLuxury while they can afford it, now – they’re gonna waste the money anyway!

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