3 New Year’s Resolutions For U.S. Presidential Candidates

1. Donald Trump. “I resolve to exercise more, and by ‘exercise’ I mean ‘exercise my right to free speech while these loser media companies report every ridiculous thing I say to the losers who are my base.'”
2. Hillary Clinton. “I resolve to be more transparent by not deleting thousands of emails. Not that deleting emails is suspicious. Everyone spends one day a year deleting all of their Yahoo, MSN, and Gmail mails, am I right?”
3. Donald Trump. “I resolve to not call my base ‘losers’ as I don’t want to lose the Republican Nomination. But come on, people who blame other groups for their pathetic self-inflicted problems a.k.a. my base, are losers, am I right?”