- Free denounced Canadian citizenship documents from Canadian-born Ted Cruz with every U.S. dollar* donated online to the Cruz campaign.
- Enter the secret access code to Chris Christie’s donation site, and receive a free pass to secret tunnel between New York and New Jersey for those hectic times Jersey bridges mysteriously close.**
- Free “Jeb!” merchandise in font that looks a lot like “Yahoo!” for everyone who signs up for a Yahoo! Daily Fantasy Sports betting account, since a recent GOP debate indicates none of the Republican candidates care about regulating fantasy sports.***
*worth over 30% more than a Canadian dollar, which is a coin, instead of a worn-out piece of paper that may have cocaine and stripper perfume residue on it.
**not available to Donald Trump, although he’ll probably take his helicopter if he ever needed to fly from the Trump Taj Majal to another building with the Trump name on it in NYC.
***and a shirt exclaiming “Jeb!” who may have disappointed his donors may be appreciated by Yahoo! CEO fashionista Marissa Mayer, who one analyst has recently called to be fired. It’s okay if you’re fired from a California tech company, Ms. Mayer – just ask Carly Fiorina – you get to run for GOP leader and somehow get taken seriously.
