Hello my darling readers. It is with great trepidation that I write this post, or well... my confession.
This coming Monday, I'll be starting an intensive outpatient treatment program at a recovery center... because I have an eating disorder (ED), and I can no longer fight it alone. The treatment is individually based, and involves multiple weekly visits to the center where I'll be participating in various activities and workshops, as well as group and one-on-one therapy.
But what to do about my blog?
The hypocrisy of advocating a healthy tennis lifestyle while living with an ED has caused me tremendous guilt. My general honesty and integrity as a blogger have left me with but two options: either stop blogging until I'm well, and keep my ED a secret... or... continue blogging, and confess.
So here I am.
Make no mistake... I am deeply embarrassed, and fear your judgement. I am anticipating phone calls from worried family members and friends, awkward looks from co-workers, and rude emails and social media posts from whomever... I am prepared for the possibility that anything other than support will further aggravate my self-destructive behaviors.
Despite all of this, and the temptation to retreat into seclusion, I see my blog as an opportunity... an opportunity to finally be honest about the hell that I'm going through, if only on behalf of the thousands (millions?) of others who are secretly fighting the same demons.
People have many misconceptions about eating disorders, and there is one in particular I'd like to address:
"You don't look like you have an eating disorder."
The fact is, peeps, that I look EXACTLY like someone who has an eating disorder... I have Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Now, I don't binge every day, nor do I binge on every thing. Actually, I prefer starchy, carby, cheesy, sugary stuff... especially sugary stuff: a dozen candy bars, a whole half-gallon of ice cream, an entire box of Ding Dongs, or a family sized bag of crunchy Cheetos... (God, how I love crunchy Cheetos.) And then, to counter those extra calories, for the next 2-3 days I'll simply skip eating altogether, add a few more miles to my morning run, and go workout at the gym for a couple of hours.
To be perfectly clear, I have never binged in front of anyone - and no, I don't purge. Binging is a private act that lurks in the darkness of my life, appearing only at times when I'm alone... or when I sneak away to summon it. I don't know why I binge, only that it is a delicious panacea for my pain. It is also, however, a cause for my pain, creating a vicious catch-22, if you will.
Then there is the ridiculous notion that you can just stop. Stop eating when you feel full... The world is not a perfect place, get over it... You're smarter than that!
Well, I know I'm not stupid, and I'm confident that I know more about nutrition, fitness and healthy living than the average person. I'm just sick... much sicker than I thought.
Over the years, I have learned methods and strategies to keep my BED at bay. I changed my eating habits, eliminated certain self-destructive thoughts and behaviors, and even achieved fair levels of confidence about my total self and body. But that wasn't good enough, for I failed to figure out how and why I developed BED in the first place. As a result, it's back... and just as ugly as ever.
In the coming months of treatment, I hope I can count on your support. This has been a long fight for me, and I'm very tired. Tired of writing blog posts about the importance of healthy living for tennis players when at the same time, I'm probably stuffing my face with a whole buttermilk pie. I'm tired of throwing away grocery receipts so that my girlfriend won't see all the shit that I've purchased for my private me time. I'm tired of people assuming that I see beauty when I look in a mirror. I'm tired of living a double life.
A dear friend recently told me to never lose sight of the big picture, or my place in it, and that "If the world loses you... it loses something special. You owe it, not only chiefly to yourself, but to the rest of us to be everything you are." She is so right... as always. (Gracias mi reina.)
I am a tennis player, and a foodie, and blogger... and soon to be ass-kicker of BED. I shall continue to blog about all things tennis healthy living related, and I will do so with a clear conscience.
Wish me luck!
P.S. And to anyone out there suffering with an eating disorder - or who thinks they might have an eating disorder, please don't think you can make this go away on your own, like I did. Talk to a health care professional for more information and all of your options.
