.

When is the best time to just accept something is what it is, and no matter how hard you try, it is never going to change? Everyday attempting to be all you can, all you want to be, all everyone wants you to be - the best. The one. But a constant failure. There is always going to be someone out there, bigger, brighter, better than you. But why am I not good enough to even try and be as big, bright, better? To even fill a little bit of what they can? Why do I not complete it all? Why am I not the one putting the biggest smile on everyone's faces? Filling hearts? Just failing hearts. Content, happiness, home, pride, patients, love – it's all just feelings. Never enough. Never whole. Then it hits you, takes your breath away, fills your stomach with dread, breaks your heart. All the pain, the hard work, the tears, anger, betrayal, happiness, hope – was all for nothing. Because it ends up what it is. And it's never going to change. How do you not feel like you've failed? All that hard work, blood sweat and tears, only to realize you've failed. You've failed at being someone. You've failed at being whole. You've failed at being home. I tried. I tried to be enough, I changed. I became someone I don't know. Someone I don't like. Why do they have it all? Why can't I? Why am I incapable of being enough? Why is it all never enough? Control? What even is that? Is that an emotion? Will that pass? Will that come? The biggest sun there is, burning so hard, shining so bright. And yet you never look at it. You never see it. It's never warm enough, it's never bright enough.
When is the best time to accept something is what it is? When your no longer feeling content, happiness, home, pride, patients, love. When your hardest efforts will never be enough. There is nothing to be done now. It's not me, it never was. It was always you. Control has come and I can't let it go.