Middleagedmatron

LATEST ARTICLES ( 102 )

• How to Be a Stereotypical Vicar's Wife

  

  'You're not a typical vicar's wife,' says the churchwarden as I'm manipulating the tea urn for church refreshments.'You're not a typical vicar's wife,' says... Read more

  Posted on 09 November 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• How to Spice up a Marriage

  I'm discussing reliable waterproofing with a dog walker on the trudge back from school and suddenly we veer on to conjugal thrills. He tells me how a friend... Read more

  Posted on 22 October 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Friendship

  We modern women expect far too much from marriage says Rosamund Pike in the tabloid I'm squinting at over a stranger's left shoulder. Read more

  Posted on 16 October 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Dignity

  

  I am squatting in the garage trying to dislodge cobwebs and mouse droppings from my cycle helmet with a leaf. The 9-year-old is watching me. Read more

  Posted on 09 October 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• How to Identify a Gentleman

  'He looks the sort of man who'd take his weight on his elbows!' said my grandmother upon meeting my father for the first time. It was the 1960s and my... Read more

  Posted on 25 September 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Day of Rest

  It's an hour before the 9am service. As usual I am running late. As usual the 11-year-old is insisting on a lie-in. And as usual I still haven't finished workin... Read more

  Posted on 29 June 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Etiquette

  Two years of toil have toil have managed to instil most of the times tables in my children. And two years of nagging have taught them to change a duvet cover. O... Read more

  Posted on 23 June 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Last Word

  'What's the last word you'll say when you die?' the 11-year-old asks from the back seat of the Skoda. 'Mine will be 'me'! Or maybe 'shopping'.''Mine will be... Read more

  Posted on 17 June 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Enlightenment

  

  Some things in life are obvious. Such as prancing out in your underwear when the heavens open:And executing the reverent ritual of a Saucepan Dance during the... Read more

  Posted on 03 June 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• A Spring Christmas

  

  Today it is Christmas. The tulips are shedding their petals in the garden and the Boden summer catalogue lies on the doormat, but over a festive lunch in the... Read more

  Posted on 03 May 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Might of Motherhood

  The man is lying on his face outside our house roaring with laughter as two policemen bend over him. They haul him to his feet, but his legs buckle like a baby'... Read more

  Posted on 27 April 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Renewal

  It's a radiant day. Londoners have shed their winter layering to celebrate the sun. A hand through the hatch of the ice cream van is tirelessly doling out 99s. Read more

  Posted on 21 April 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Memories

  

  Katetakes5 whose blog inspired me to start my own, has invited her followers to celebrate 2013 with five photos from the family album. It must be an Irish... Read more

  Posted on 12 April 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• How to Be Normal

  

  'Have you got your outfit yet?' asks the school-gate mother. I have been invited to her grand engagement party three weeks down the line.'Is it fancy dress?' I... Read more

  Posted on 06 April 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Mothering Sunday

  

  When the Vicar marvelled over a recipe for 'Penis Stew' in a Two Fat Ladies' cookbook, my mother roamed the Home Counties in search of an abattoir that would... Read more

  Posted on 29 March 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Life Essentials

  

  The Vicar has confiscated the 11-year-old's iPod. 'You may as well,' she sobs, 'take away my life!'Upstairs she sags desolately, contemplating 24 hours without... Read more

  Posted on 24 March 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Inquisition

  Iota has tagged me into a list of cosmic questions to which she requires answers. Self-exposure alarms me, but Iota strikes me as the sort of person I'd like... Read more

  Posted on 22 February 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Hardcore Living

  

  Recently a BBC researcher contacted me and asked if the family would be willing to be filmed for a series on vicarage life. Obviously, narcissism urged me to sa... Read more

  Posted on 13 February 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Shopophobe

  I've never been much of a one for shopping. Security staff scrutinise me as I stand immobilised by apathy near store exits while companions contentedly browse. Read more

  Posted on 09 February 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• How to Repair Self-Image

  

  It is the Sabbath and I am prising cat hair off my warmest corduroy. My house guest is peaceably eating marmalade in a woolly jumper when a holler from the... Read more

  Posted on 02 February 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION