Middleagedmatron

LATEST ARTICLES ( 102 )

• Being an Embarrassment

  My brother are I are hand-jiving to Bonnie Tyler in the front seats of the Skoda while we wait for a red light to change. We deem it a tribute when we see that... Read more

  Posted on 27 January 2014 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Blessings

  Prayers can be answered in disconcerting ways. Progress can be more harrowing than stasis. Our Advent hope was for my mother to wake from her coma. And, one day... Read more

  Posted on 27 December 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Aftermath

  My mother was returning from work. She called my father to ask him to record The Archers and she started walking from the station. Then, a few hundred yards fro... Read more

  Posted on 08 December 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Motherhood

  When I tried to imagine a future without my mother in it I pictured a short illness or a long decline. I never considered a zebra crossing on a dark night and... Read more

  Posted on 29 November 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Self-Confidence and How to Lose It

  Self-confidence, I always thought, is one of the gifts of middle age. Through my timid teens and twenties I looked forward to the day when I could stride forth... Read more

  Posted on 25 November 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Shrunken Horizons

  I was offered a free smartphone last week by a company I was planning to write depressing things about. It took ten minutes of emails to persuade the press... Read more

  Posted on 18 November 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Middle-Class Stress

  It has been a wearing week and we are all assembled in the marital bed trying to muster energy for the morning. The Vicar announces that we need to decide on ou... Read more

  Posted on 09 November 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Birthday Blues

  

  I assumed, having survived my 11-year-old's birthday party last month with the temporary mislaying of only two children, that I was an expert in the subject. Read more

  Posted on 06 November 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Fast Living

  

  The family service is beginning and, scanning the pews from behind my hymnal, I realise that the Sunday School teachers have forgotten to turn up again.... Read more

  Posted on 03 November 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Domestic Mysteries

  Last week, with the single press of a button, I managed to dye an entire laundry cycle, including half the Vicar's underclothes, bright pink. Read more

  Posted on 01 November 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Supermum

  

  There is little that I would not do for my children. I would scale bridges if it shielded them from harm... I would hurl myself from an aeroplane... Climb to th... Read more

  Posted on 24 October 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Supermum

  

  There is little that I would not do for my children. I would scale bridges if it shielded them from harm... I would hurl myself from an aeroplane... Climb to th... Read more

  Posted on 21 October 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Dressing Down

  'You cannot do this to me!' shrieks the 11-year-old. I reverse out from under the bed and find her brandishing a hairy brown banner. On closer inspection, it... Read more

  Posted on 14 October 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Family Time

  It is Sunday lunch in the vicarage. Because it is the one meal in the week that the whole family eats together, the table is laid in the dining room with place... Read more

  Posted on 06 October 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• How to Build a Character

  Scout Camp, we're told, is character building. And I can certainly vouch for this as my 11-year old's two nights roughing it have imported numerous new virtues... Read more

  Posted on 30 September 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Airhead

  I am regarded as an airhead. The scantiest mishap is used as corroboration against me. There was that time, for instance when I found I'd carefully soaped a... Read more

  Posted on 27 September 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• How Survive a Children's Party - the Expert's Guide

  

  I've always assumed that children would be content to celebrate themselves with the sort of pleasures I favour for my own parties - a shimmy on the trampoline,... Read more

  Posted on 22 September 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Monster Mother

  'You deserve a sock in your eye because you're so HORRIBLE!' screams the 10-year old, dislodging my contact lens with well-aimed footwear. I have never had any... Read more

  Posted on 15 September 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Being Indispensible

  Vocabulary in our vicarage is limited. If a bishop strays by, we may muster dialogue on theological ethics and we are capable of whole sentences on Haagen Dazs... Read more

  Posted on 03 September 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION

• Put on the Spot

  'What does it mean to have a w**k?' asks the ten-year-old carryingly as we enter a peaceful country tea room. 'It means to have a walk,' says my brother quickly. Read more

  Posted on 07 August 2013 DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION