Your Real Horoscope: May 5-11 [VIDEO]

ARIES (March 21 - April 20):
Your friends are smart. Listen to what they say. It might be totally the shits, but they’re right.
TAURUS (April 21 - May 21): 
Do alllll the asks now. Ask teach to bump up your grade. Ask boss to bump up your salary. Ask spouse to bump. You’re getting alllll the yeses now.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21): 
Do you know what a laser is? Could you tell me? And then, also, could you focus like one? ‘Cause you need to be laser focused this week on your number one priority. Go get that bacon burger! Or, like, whatever your life goal is.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23): 
Oh, are you on speed this week? Or are you just fucking ruling things and TCB like someone with super-human speed? Or are you Alex P. Keaton on diet pills?
You. Are werqing it. Good and fast. This week.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23): 
Hey, social climber with a full calendar, aren’t you just Ms. Fucking Popular? Remember: when deciding which of your many social invites to accept this week, think only of what’s in it for you.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23): 
Fuckin’ families, eh? Always with the problems. You’re going to have to be a hard-arse to solve this one. Godspeed.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23): 
You have a lot of garbagey shit to do this week. Crank the tunes or something to make it bearable. When it’s done, people are going to like you again, for whatever that’s worth.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22): 
Ugh, I know you’re awesome at taking short cuts and cutting corners and quietly screwing people over, but put the kibosh on that this week or it will bite you in the ass.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21): 
You’ve got to stop partying and start budgeting, sucker. Go to work.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): 
Awesomeness is coming but it’s not here yet. Enjoy another week of bland crap.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19): 
Get dressed up, bitch. Time to look goooood. The sparkly lure catches the fish. Or something. Here are some sartorial hints for you:

PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): 
Aw, shit. You know all them lies you told your boss about how great you are? You’re going to try to have to live up to that shit this week or else everyone’s going to think you’re a poseur.