TAURUS (April 21 - May 21): Stop lying, you big stupid liar. If you don’t agree with someone, say so. You’re a big stupid lying coward. Stop it, jerk face.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21): Simmer down. Fold those jazz hands neatly in your lap and close your fat mouth before you say something that’s even dumber than usual.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23): Strut in those stilettos and show everyone you’re on fleek and not to be messed with. Pull back on working for The Man this week and instead do some work for yourself.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23): Get off your fucking couch for once and get out there, see things, meet people, shit like that.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23): You need some dollah dollah bills, yo. They’re coming. Hold tight. Don’t make any weird spending decisions this week.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23): Your friend is getting into something dumb and you know it. Tell them.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22): What are you working for? Like, keep working, but make sure it’s to your benefit. Fuck everyone else.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
You’re a force of nature. No one can take you down. Onwards!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Kowtow to authority this week otherwise they’re going to make you (even more) miserable.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19): That stupid thing you started working on? Are you going to finally fucking finish it already? Because if not, pull the plug, man. This shit has gone on long enough.
PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): Do you have your eye on the prize? Seriously, are you staring at it, dreaming of it, FOCUSSED? Because if you are, it’s yours dude. Get it.
