Now you’ll have more free time to chill at Starbucks.
TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
We get it, you’re the greatest. We know already, so stop telling us. Stop talking altogether. No one likes it when people talk to them.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
You do you. So what if no one else cares and you will ultimately die alone? Do your thing. It’s probably awesome.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23):
Some people get off on being shit on. If you’re not one of them, let people know.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23):
Annoying people are so annoying and you’re in no humor for them. Try not to choke them out, OK tiger?
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Lucky you, you’re in for a fun day. Sure, it’s a day of diabolical extremes probably attributed to latently-diagnosed mental illness. But fun all the same.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
You’re fucking full of yourself today, aren’t you? Just remember what it’s like to be full of regrets and act accordingly.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
Dominate today as usual. Be bossy, be demanding, punch above your weight. It’s your thing.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
Even though they can’t possibly be as good as you, try to treat others like they’re still, like, okay/decent/human people. Especially fam and friends.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):
You are the Axe Body Spray of people today. Dial. It. Down. You’re coming off as douchey. Be aware.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
Lucky you, you creative genius. Get the housework out of the way so you can make things.
PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):
Glove slap! You’re being challenged. Accept with aplomb and maybe that will be enough for them to back down. Then you can just have a nap.
FISH SLAP!
