Your Real Horoscope: April 1-7

ARIES (March 21 – April 20):Stop aiming for shitty stuff and aim for something good that you really want. Aim for something worth getting for once.
TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):Sucker, you not going to be able to get by on your charm this week. You'll actually have to do something.
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):People are going to ask you for money. Say 'no.' Show them how to make their own money. They will hate you for it.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23):Fuck that promotion. It sounds like a lot of work.
LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):Stop acting so confident. Stop acting, period.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):Yeah, this whole thing where you're feeling jealous is going to pass, so just stay chill in the meantime.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):Run away from potential conflict. Run away!
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):Feelings! Feelings are important. Not just yours; other people's too.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):Don't do a whole bunch of stuff shitily. Do a few things really, really well.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):Swallow up your feelings and hide them away. Don't get in an argument today because you'll have to deal with weeks of uncomfortable fallout and shit's not worth it.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):Go have fun with fun people. It's important because fun is nice and good.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):Yeah, all that shit you're half-done? Screw it. Just move on to something new already.