Debate Magazine

You Might Be a Democrat If… Part 2

By Eowyn @DrEowyn


You just might be a Democrat if…

You support a boycott of Israel, but can’t find it on a map.

You’re an A-list movie star who takes time off promoting your new shoot-em-up action movie to speak out for more gun control.

You’ve never been audited by the IRS.

You’re a frequent traveler who has visited 57 states.

You think the rainstorm that ruined your car wash was Bush’s fault.

You call Republicans racists while sending your own kids to private school.

You think Lois Lerner is that gal who pals around with Superman.

You look like Obama when you throw a baseball.

You like the way Obama looks when he throws a baseball.

You hate all Christians, but just love the new Pope.

Your husband wears a dress and you think he’s hot.

Your son wears a dress and you think he’s hot.

You won’t wear a dress, because you’re a feminist. And you’re not hot.

The reason you’re a feminist is Bush’s fault.

You watch ten hours a day of reality television and think conservatives are misinformed.

You think you know what’s best for America, but you don’t know who Joe Biden is.

Your most prized possession is your EBT card.

You mouth off to the person behind you in line at the grocery store when they gave you a second look for buying steak, lobster, and wine with your EBT card.

You’re a white-skinned, blue-eyed politician who claims to be Native American.

Your idea of class and sophistication is Michelle Obama with a runny nose.

Your idea of a positive role model for your daughter is Kim Kardashian.

You buy gossip magazines at the checkout counter (with your EBT card) and wish you were Kim Kardashian.

You’re an artist who survives on government grants.

You think the Second Amendment is meant for hunters.

You’re a Hollywood actor who makes good money making bad movies.

You’re a teacher who hates kids.

You hate kids, period.

You’re a teacher, period.

You think it’s your right as an American to have food stamps, free health care, and live in your parents’ basement.

You actually like living in your parents’ basement.

You have a picture of Che Guevara hanging in your parents’ basement.

You’re living in your parents’ basement, because it’s Bush’s fault.

Your parents pay for your car, your insurance, and all your living expenses, but to you they’re capitalist pigs.

You think your parents, who pay your $20,000 a year college tuition, the rent for your off-campus apartment, and all your living expenses, don’t know anything about life, but your angry college professor, who hates America and has never held a job in the private sector, is a genius.

You’re furious that George Bush might have lied about WMDs, but you believe every word that comes from Obama’s teleprompter.

You just lost your health insurance and you think it’s Bush’s fault.


You go ga-ga over the man who calls himself Obama, but couldn’t care less about Americans deserted at Benghazi.

You think anyone who disagrees with you is a racist.

You say you’re not a racist, but you support affirmative action and hiring quotas based on skin color.

You speak passionately about equality and the redistribution of wealth, but you won’t share your bag of Planters Peanuts with your cell mate.

You hate Sarah Palin because she’s everything you’re not.

You live in Chicago and you’re well known at every voting precinct in the city, especially on Election Day.

You’ve been dead for twenty years, but you voted for Obama forty-seven times.

And it’s all Bush’s fault.


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