In the midst of coming of age, I'm also working, studying, rehearsing, auditioning, socializing (or at least attempting too), quality-timing and of course, breathing– when I get the chance. So, as you can imagine, I'm stressing the hell out because I don't know what to do or what to wear for my birthday. Even though I started actively working on it in February (eighteen). Need to get my act together! Doesn't help that I'm losing weight either (slowly but surely), I'll end up buying something then it'll be too big!
Speaking of weight, I think I need to stop caring. Or at least stop caring quite so much. I'm 5ft 2in and swaying between 9st 10lbs and 10st after years of fad diets and spurts of random exercise. I started off at 11st 2lbs, which wasn't fat, but it certainly wasn't thin either. Having an extremely loving family and a really bad metabolism didn't exactly help me with my weight as a child, so I had always been chubby. But high school is hard. It was around year 9 when I actively set about getting fit; I joined lots of sports clubs and even started rowing outside of school. Instead of having three meals a day I'd usually snack a little and then have tea, binging occasionally. By year 10/11 I had finally reached 10st 2lbs and couldn't have been more proud of myself– and the best part? Everyone noticed.
Two years later, I've never gone higher than 10st 5lbs and only managed to get down to 9st 8lbs, which has been my favorite weight by far. The problem is, I like food, my friends like food, my family loves food and the people I meet always like it too. It follows me everywhere! So I have to have some serious will power. This weekend for instance I didn't touch a single piece of chocolate although we were away camping (pictures below!)– and we usually binge like mad when we're camping! But today I gave in because I was stressed after my Guildhall audition (I'll post about that experience soon), so now I feel guilty. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Not for eating, but for feeling like that!
I should not have to feel guilty for eating, especially when I wear size 8/10 dresses. Yes my hips are a size 12 but sweetie, that's hereditary. It's about time I stopped dreaming of what I want to look like and realize that the way I look now is absolutely fine. Losing a few pounds won't hurt but it's not life threatening if I don't lose them.
Young women (and older ones too!) worry too much about how they look. I'm learning to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be a size 6, and that I don't need to be.
Life isn't about that. It's about being happy and making every second count.
