At the same time, I am also heartbroken about certain aspects of it. You see If my blog were a room, it would be great big one. In that room would be a great big pile of fabulous fashion magazines, a camera, a pair of scissors, and me. I would have paint brush, but no paint. There would be a party but no host. In a sense, I'm all alone.
Those of you - my virtual readers - are all here in spirit, and I am forever grateful. But I also crave the support of those closest to me - in my everyday life. As I have stated earlier, this blog is nearly four years old. Would you know that my mother still doesn't know it's web address? My boyfriend might actually hate the sight of my camera. There isn't ever a time when I ask him to take a photo that he doesn't take a long pause, exhale, or roll his eyes. It's gotten so ritual with him that half the time I'm not even sure he knows he's doing it.
Truth be told, I want to evolve past my tripod and timer. I'm tired of setting the timer and running in front of the camera to pose. I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on a new camera just so I can have the entire photo in focus. Sometimes I get so frustrated, so angry that I just want to scream. I wanted to jump up and scream just to see if anyone takes me seriously.
Before, in an earlier post I lamented about how I got so caught up in blogging that it started obscure my outlook on life. I talked about how I once tried to convince my boyfriend to take photography classes, and how the entire situation was getting out of control. Now, instead of apologizing for that mindset, I'm angry. I'm angry that those who are closest to me don't actually give a damn about what I do. I'm angry how after four years no one has caught on that this is so much more than a hobby for me. I'm angry that instead of being met with less resistance, I'm being met with more, and that I am completely at an impasse. I'm angry that instead of being able to rely on someone who I love and trust, I'm being forced to reach out to perfect strangers - who have absolutely no passion or interest for what I do, but rather care only about their bottom line. On their schedule. And want to condense a whole weeks' worth of outfit photos into a two hour weekly photography session. What.the.fuck.
I feel trapped. So many things that I am so passionate about don't seem to resonate in my close relationships. France. Graduate school. Amberie. Now the blog too? What am I supposed to do?
