My boyfriend Mike thinks everyone is wearing a wig.
Okay, maybe everyone is an exaggeration, but:
Included in this alleged wig society of Mike’s imagination? Fashion designer Zac Posen.
In the course of an average week, Mike points out no less than three suspected wig-wearers. That may not sound like much, but when you consider the fact that average person points out three wigs every six months to a year (if that), three per week is an unprecedented number of wig accusations.
Strangely enough, Mike isn’t anti- or pro-wig; he just fancies himself the consummate wig identifier. I, on the other hand, consider myself a relatively rational woman (who may have a tendency to be stubborn for the sake of being stubborn sometimes). For this reason, I am convinced beyond the shadow of any doubt that there simply are not as many wigs in the world as Mike contends. There’s no shame in wearing a wig, a hair piece, or even a crazy ponytail weave like Ariana Grande, but artificial hair solutions are still very much a specialized niche in the world of hair services. If everyone who Mike accused of wearing a wig was actually wearing a wig, there’d be as many wig stores as there are Walgreens or McDonald’s. There’d be a fine wig shop in every town! Hair loss would be completely de-stigmatized, and everyone would routinely accessorize with costume wigs like 2012-era Nicki Minaj.
It’s clear that Mike and I do not see eye to eye on the wig issue, and our conflicting views reached their boiling point earlier this week when we were getting our schadenfreude fix to the tune of an old episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive. Charlotte Carrithers, vulnerably allowing a camera crew into her hoarded home, became the latest victim of Mike’s wig-whomping. Being the brave advocate for truth and justice that I am, I immadiately rushed to Charlotte’s defense.
(This video is rated PG-13 for one instance of foul language regarding a sexual act, and my rare cackle that surfaces only when something is really, truly funny. I also apologize for the obnoxious iPhone portrait-style video.)
It’s probably pretty clear now that I don’t know much (read: anything) about wigs. So in an effort to stop the spread of wignorance, here’s an official list of all my potentially fallacious wig claims:
- You don’t put a towel on your head like a turban on a wig
- You don’t wash a wig on your head
- Wigs aren’t made of real hair
- Wigs don’t shake as much as real hair
- Wigs cannot be styled like real hair
- Wigs do not have ringlets
- Wigs do not have side hairs
Just when you thought the debate couldn’t get any more heated, in a later scene Mike insists that wig-accused Ms. Carrithers wore two different wigs during one segment of the episode. His position is that there is one “Irish red” wig and a “super black” wig. He asserts that two completely different conversations were spliced together in a bit of TV magic, incidentally exposing the various wigs of one Ms. Carrithers.
Meanwhile, I maintain that the reddish tones in Ms. Carrithers hair are likely caused by the light coming in from a nearby window, accenting the highlights and various undertones of her hair that would not normally appear in a low light area. The alleged “super black” wig effect only occurs when the camera pulls away from the close-up shot of Ms. Carrithers’s face, supporting my theory. Watch below to see the review the evidence and see the shocking conclusion to this two-part wig series.
(This video is rated G, suitable for all audiences, especially advocates for wig justice and cat lovers.)
So now that you’ve seen it all, it’s time for you to cast your vote. Was Charlotte Carrithers wearing a wig?
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