Humor Magazine

How the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Diet Will Change Your Life

By Katie Hoffman @katienotholmes

How the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Diet Will Change Your Life

Every year seems to bring us a new fad diet. Many of these regimes encourage you to limit your consumption of certain food groups or to eat only at certain times of the day. The rigorous restrictions of diets make many of them feel like a punishment, that is, until now. Introducing the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Diet.

The Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Diet is the perfect way to recover from months of holiday gluttony. The diet - fondly known as the AMHGFDD - requires only your lack of self control and your instinctual survival skills. The best part? You don't have count calories or be mindful of macros!

The diet works by combating the stress and celebration of the holiday season with the persistent human desire to feel good and go to the bathroom normally. Getting started with the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder diet is easy. To begin, just eat a handful of cookies and wash them down with a glass or two of wine. Follow that up with a fistful of popcorn and a beer and a mouthful of aerosol whipped cream and three marshmallows because why not and some leftover chocolate chips - not cookies, just pure semisweet chocolate chips - and a full sleeve of crackers. Follow this eating plan from Thanksgiving right up until the start of the new year. This may sound aggressive, but trust the process.

After a month of eating like it's your death row last meal every single day, you'll start to feel a bit like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz -if the Tin Man was an animated heap of bloated, dehydrated garbage. You'll find yourself spending more time in the bathroom, isolated from your family and friends. You won't be able to remember the last time you felt good. The rich cheeses and meats and sweets that once satisfied will start to disgust you. This food alienation phase is normal in the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder diet.

Slowly, your body will start to crave actual nutrients. This may feel unnatural, but it's perfectly normal. Don't be afraid to start with something small like taking a multivitamin or drinking orange juice without any sparkling wine mixed in it. You'll need to slowly build up a tolerance for real food again. Try incorporating eggs or some whole wheat toast. In about a week's time, you'll be ready to eat a vegetable. Hardcore adherents of the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder will jump right into kale, but beginners should opt for friendlier veggies like broccoli or carrots.

Critics may question the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder method, but you can't deny the life-changing effects of eating foods with nutritional value after overeating for several weeks. In time, you'll be able to sleep through the night without the sweets sweats again. Your breath won't smell like the inside of an empty M&Ms bag all the time. You won't pass your days in varying degrees of tummy achiness anymore. Your skin and mind will be clearer.

If you're still finishing off some leftovers, the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder diet may not be for you. Remember, it's not too late to start the rest of your life-especially if you can't bear the thought of eating another cookie.

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog