The rumor mill and the BeyHive (the collective nickname for Beyoncé’s fans) have been buzzing about a recently leaked security video of Solange Knowles (Beyoncé’s sister) hitting and kicking Jay Z in an elevator while Beyoncé stood to the side and swayed just like Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams in the Destiny’s Child era.
Everyone’s speculating about potential causes for the private brawl from cheating allegations, to assertions Jay Z is controlling, to Solange having a drinking problem, so I think it’s about time we get to the bottom of this so we can move on with our lives.
I don’t like to flaunt my connections, but I happen to know the uncle of a woman that’s friends with the wife of a guy who’s related (by marriage) to a man who used to live sixteen miles away from Solange. It took a few promises I have no intention of keeping, but I was able to get in touch with my contact to get the exclusive full story of what went down that fateful evening after the Met Ball.
According to the uncle of a woman that’s friends with the wife of a guy who’s related (by marriage) to a man who used to live sixteen miles away from Solange, it happened like this…
Beyoncé, Jay Z, and Solange were all pretending to have a great time at the Met Ball after party in The Standard Hotel in New York City, but everyone could tell Jay Z had been on edge all night. Insiders say this usually happens when Jay Z calculates how many bitches account for his problems. This night was different, though. Hova was trying his best to hide it, but he just wasn’t drunk in love with either of the dresses Bey and Solange were wearing that evening. As man who considers him an authority on fashion because he doesn’t pop molly, he found their fashion choices potentially damaging to his reputation.
As the trio left the after party made their way to the elevator, it became evident fairly quickly that Solange had been drinking (watermelon?). By this time, Jay Z had entered a zen-like Empire State of mind, and he was looking forward to getting home, putting on one of his Yankees hats, and enjoying his favorite late night activity: watching the 1982 version of Annie while enjoying a warm glass of whole milk and two oatmeal raisin cookies. He was trying to ignore Solange, but she was getting on his last nerve, like a bit of dirt he just couldn’t manage to get off of his shoulder without using two fresh sheets on the lint roller.
Solange was completely going off. She insisted the recent SNL skit “The Beygency” wasn’t that funny. She reminded Beyoncé of that time she had short hair for about two days, and she questioned why “Partition” sounds like two different songs. Then she started in on Jay Z. She pointed how often he interrupts artists who are featured on his tracks. She intimated that removing the hyphen from his name was a huge mistake. She even delivered a shocking low blow: she accused Jay Z of having prominent lips.
Jay Z had tried to remain calm and repeat his mantra, “On to the next one…” but he couldn’t take it anymore. Just before entering the elevator, he mentioned the one thing that drives Solange crazy…
He pointed out that Solange doesn’t have a special accent in her name.
It’s common knowledge that it’s not Beyoncé’s fame, success, or proclivity for putting things to the left that makes Solange crazy jealous—it’s the French accent aigu on the final letter in Beyoncé’s name. Back in the day, Solange was actually in the process of legally changing her name to Solangé, but when Beyoncé’s career took off, she knew she was fated to keep the unfortunate first name that combines a coordinating conjunction with Jessica Lange’s surname.
Maybe it was the liquor, maybe it was the fact that Solange can’t go anywhere without hearing “Holy Grail” on the radio, or maybe she wanted remind Jay Z what a real hard knock life feels like, but she attacked. Beyoncé knew the accent aigu was the best thing Solange would never have, so she just kept her composure and acted like this episode was nothing more than déjà vu. Jay Z did little more than block Solange’s kicks because he had entered a moment of clarity while sincerely hoping Solange wouldn’t go for an encore (which she attempted about three times).
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So now we all know the truth: in a moment of impassioned indignation, Solange attacked Jay Z because he accentuated the unaccented “e” in her name.
Insiders claim that Beyoncé, Jay Z, and Solange (even Kanye West) are all very upset this private family fracas was leaked to the public, and radio analysts predict that plays of the song “99 Problems” will increase 200% this week to facilitate radio personalities making Solange-related jokes.
Let’s all give Solange, Jay Z, and Beyonce the privacy they need to handle their business.
Author’s note: As clever as some of these memes are, I think it needs to be said that if this situation were reversed, no one would be laughing about it. There’s never a need for handle things with violence. A woman hitting a man shouldn’t be construed as cute or crazy–it’s every bit as wrong and unnecessary as a man raising his hand to a woman, and in this situation, even though it never should have happened in the first place, it’s unfortunate the entire ordeal has come to light the way it has.
