Source: NDVHotline
“Why doesn’t she just leave her abusive partner?”
It seems like a simple question and it’s one that’s often posed when people learn others are experiencing abuse. Leaving seems like the most obvious solution to outsiders. But as somebody who has experienced domestic violence, let me tell you: it’s not.
Before I met my abusive partner, I told my friends I’d never let a man hit me. I said I’d never stay in an abusive relationship. Nobody plans to be in an abusive relationship, but things happen. Abuse might first occur well after two people meet or fall in love. Abuse isn’t always so clear cut and can take many different forms.
Women especially are taught to pursue relationships and depend on our partners. I personally felt very influenced by societal messages that encouraged me to want and need a relationship, to feel loved and love someone else. So when a guy came along who appeared to offer me all of this, I convinced myself he was perfect. It turned out, though, that wasn’t the case. The relationship eventually turned abusive.
But I stayed for many complicated reasons. There were the practical, tangible realities of my situation: I didn’t feel I had a safer place to go, didn’t have any money to support myself and didn’t have people in my life who I felt would help me obtain those things.
There were also many emotional reasons. I didn’t want to end the relationship because I thought that would make me a failure. I felt confused when the abuse happened and convinced myself it was just temporary. I even felt that I deserved the abuse and brought it on myself. Mostly, though, I felt shame, fear and disbelief. I thought abuse only happened to other people and struggled to believe it was actually happening to me. I felt immobilized by the fear: I could not move. I could not breathe.
Finally, I made a definitive choice. I chose to leave and overcome my fear. One day, while my ex-husband was at work, I left. I went to a neighbor’s house, explained the situation and she kindly allowed me to call my family for help. When my brother picked me up, I finally felt relief.
It wasn’t easy, but I managed to overcome many obstacles to find freedom. I dream of a world where women never find themselves in an abusive situation in the first place, but until then, I hope my story inspires other survivors of abuse to find the strength to do the same.
For resources related to leaving an abusive relationship, check out Love is Respect.
