Humor Magazine

Why I’m Not Freaking Out Over Our Next President

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick

I feel I need to explain why I am suddenly the least political person of the 14 sexvigintillion people on social media, less political than even the dogs on Facebook.

For those of you who knew me social-medially in 2008 and 2012, it may appear that something is amiss. Like maybe I have a grapefruit sized tumor sitting on the Care About the Future portion of my brain. Or I've joined the Witness Protection Program and have left a bunch of pictures for my agent in charge to post as me and this agent doesn't know me very well and has guessed incorrectly that I would not be blowing two veins per day over the 2016 race right about now.

Nope. Neither of those things are true. What is true is that I have decided to slap a big smiley face sticker over the whole political arena. And my new mindset has me soaring high above all the shenanigans. So high, in fact, that I surprise even myself.

"This is going to kill me," my friend B. said last week. "I'm literally losing sleep over who our next president might be."

"Not me," I bragged, dusting the ceiling plaster off my hair, "This Too Shall Pass."

In order to keep myself above the fray, I've developed a collection of mantra-like catch-phrases that I got off Facebook memes. I drag them out as needed and repeat until the political conversation turns to a level that is more informative and less fatalistic, doomsday and scary.

When someone says, "If this happens, we shall all surely die. Let's all move to Belize," I respond, "Keep Calm and Carry a Bag of Wine."

When someone cries, "He and/or she will be the ruin of our country!" I say, "Go Placidly Among the Noise and Haste, and Remember - Don't Worry, Be Happy."

And when I hear somebody say, "Trump may ruin the U.S. economy, but Hillary Clinton will destroy the whole world," (I swear this is a real quote from a real person) I sing out, "Let It Go! Let It Go-oh!"

That's not to mean that I'm no longer interested in politics. I've been increasing my CNN watching by alarmingly high increments since around February. At the current rate, by August I'll be up to my September 2012 levels, my all-time high. This was a time when I was waking up in the middle of the night, stumbling into the living room and watching a commentator who looked like he was broadcasting out of a basement in Eastern Europe in 1975. And I was riveted. This guy was probably an unpaid intern and didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, but I hung on every word. I was addicted to political news and would watch anything and everything that was on CNN. I fully expected to get an email from Wolf Blitzer saying, "You know, 24-hour news is just a phrase. It doesn't mean you have to watch all 24 consecutive hours."

This time around I'm still following the presidential race, but I'm limiting my exposure to stuff that is actually happening. I'm no longer participating in discussions where there is fear, negativity, oh-my-god-we're-going-to-die references, and what-ifs. I won't listen to threats (or promises) to move out of the country if Candidate X wins. In fact, I get up and turn the channel when House Hunters International comes on.

"Diane, you don't know that nice couple from Morristown, New Jersey, is looking for beachfront property because of the presidential race," my husband says. "Maybe they just want to live on the beach."

"Life Is Like a Rollercoaster," I barked at him. "You Can Either Scream With Every Bump or Enjoy the Ride. Also, only a disenfranchised American would put up with that tiny closet space." And then I flip the channel back to CNN.

The negativity and lack of humor is killing me. I know it's no different from the last two presidential elections, but back then I was too busy working on the campaigns to notice that most everyone else was biting their cuticles and stocking up on the new Samsonite All-in-One International Travel Power Adapter and Converter Kit. I didn't need inspirational sayings from Facebook memes to help me stay positive. I had a focus fueled on positive energy and Tina Fey.

I'm not involved in any campaigns right now, in part because I still haven't caught up on my sleep since four years ago. That's when I discovered that for me in 2012 October Surprise meant "Hey! Guess what? Our campaign office can't afford a shredder so you'll have to stay up until 2 a.m.scissoring these data sheets until your hands are blistered beyond recognition! Surprise!" This campaign is different for me in other ways, too. Tina Fey has moved on to American Express and Garnier Fructis. But thanks to my vigilant Facebook friends, I'm flush with cheerful memes to keep me sane.

I'm planning a little political discussion salon here in a few weeks and am loading up on uplifting sayings to whip out in case of fiery speech.

So far I've got:

"Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down," when someone says they're in the market for a gun case for their underground bunker.

"Doomed Are the Hotheads!" when somebody asks if I've snagged my copy of Rick Steves' Belize! and

"Like and Share If Your Not Afraid 2 Say You Luv Jesus!" at the first mention of emptying all bank accounts and buying gold.

Ready to rock and roll. Let's take 'er home.

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog