Today I tried to follow another Mummy Blogger on Twitter to find they have blocked me? It hurt me. What have I ever done wrong to them? I remember when I started blogging 9 months ago, a few had some harsh words to say about me. I guess they still hold whatever problem they had with me against me now.
I thought I would open up and allow you to see the real me, the one who hides behind this blog and the Twitter handle.
Welcome to my word.
In November 2009 I met Bipolar or should I say Bipolar met me. I was at the very lowest point in my life when I was diagnosed with Cyclothemia and I was also 4 months pregnant with my 6th child.
I have battled with this illness for two years now and my feelings about this have changed. At the start I was angry, why me? Why did I have to be some crazy nutter?
These two years have been horrific, there is no other words to describe it.
It has manifested four people inside of me, the low me, the high me and then this strange creature that has a mixture of both. Not forgetting the real me these somewhere screaming to get out.
It has given me an eating disorder that makes me starve my body of food and a sleep disorder and has made me harm myself, which I wrote about earlier For the first time I reveal what I do behind closed doors.
I have suffered with psychosis where I have seen, heard and smelt things that were not really there. Hearing voices inside your head sure does make you feel crazy.
It has left me terrified of having any further children.
It stole my identity and still confuses me as I wrote more about in I don’t know who I am anymore.
But I am not some crazy nutter.
I am a mother of 6, a wife and a mentor to hundreds of other mothers. I also love to blog.
So I pop 2 pills each day, does that make me any less of a person?
I am not mad, insane or a fruit loop as I call myself. Although I do like my fruit loop title.
I have accepted I may not be like everyone else, but would I really want to be?
I am me.
People will always look shocked when I say I have Bipolar, mental illness will always carry a stigma. By some I will always remain an outcast, as I never fit in.
I am a love or hate kind of girl. You either love me or you hate me, these is no in between with me.
But I have now stopped trying to fit in. Even when I stared blogging I felt alone. All the other Mummy Bloggers were not like me. Their blogs were so different to mine. I tried to change, to be like them. But I stood out like a sore thumb.
I tried so hard to write nice things. Yet my mind does not work like others. My mind throws at me 10 conversations at one time, I can not sit still, my blog is fast paced and a little crazy, but so am I.
I know a number of bloggers who do not like me. Some choose to ignore me if I attempt to talk to them , some have even blocked me on Twitter. It hurts. I am real, I am a person and I have feelings.
So I came crashing onto the blogging scene and thrashed out some controversial posts and I write about very non happy thoughts, but my blog is real life. This is what my world is like. The abuse, the rape, the domestic violence, the depression, that is all me. I am comfortable writing about these topics.
I see many going to Blogging events and meeting others. I envy them so much. I can not attend them. I can not go and meet other bloggers. Why? Because the honest truth is I feel as if I am not good enough. I am not part of a group of mommy bloggers, I am alone and guess I just don’t seem to fit in. My blog is nothing like others, I am not like others.
I am different. I am not your ordinary mom or blogger, but I am a loyal and dedicated friend, so you can choose to see the mental illness or you can choose to see me.
You don’t have to be mad to be my friend, but it sure helps.
