While you were sleeping, you didn’t know the guilt I felt from the day. The yelling, the putting you in timeout, the telling you that you were almost 5 and you needed to start acting like it.
I laid there next to you as you fell asleep and I couldn’t believe how big you looked. And how much I missed laying with you every night while you fell asleep. Of course I love your sister but for so long it was just you and me. And now I barely get a few moments alone with you.
Were you acting out because you were angry with me for changing your only child status? Did you feel that I abandoned you? Do you still feel that way sometimes?
While you were sleeping I made a promise to you and to myself. That I would work on being more patient. I would try to give you more attention. I would put my phone down and play with you when you asked. Because I know these moments aren’t going to be around forever.
You know how to push my buttons, my love. You look me dead in the eye and do exactly whatever it is I’m telling you not to do. You’re too smart for your own good and I have a really hard time getting through to you sometimes. I know we will work through all of it but boy do I lose my temper at times. And have a hard time figuring out how to deal with the frustration.
But you have my heart. When you say “mommy” after falling down or hold onto my leg while dropping you off at school, I absolutely love it. Because I know that no matter how terrible of a mom I was that day, you still love me. You forgive me every single morning and just can’t wait to see me. And that’s the true meaning of unconditional love.
While you were sleeping, I remembered how lucky I am to be your mom. That even on your worst days or my worst days, you’re my son and I’m your mom. And we will always have that bond.
While you were sleeping, I hit the reset button. I remembered that you’re a kid and to cut you some slack. I remembered that I don’t know what I’m doing either and that I need to give myself some slack sometimes too. That we are going through all of this together and come tomorrow morning, I’ll be ready to do it all over again.
