has been out for a little more than two weeks now, so by this point if you've been playing you've probably acquired more Rattatas than you'll ever need, surprised yourself by muttering, "You've fucked with me for the last time, Caterpie," in front of other people, and went for a walk around your neighborhood-something you wouldn't have done pre-unless you were being chased by a serial killer (or a wasp) or you were elected Sustenance Stockpiler in a newfound dystopian, post-apocalyptic society. Aside from the frequent technical glitches that only seem to happen after you've wasted 17 Pokéballs wooing a CP 767 Tauros that won't be saved to your Pokédex when you relaunch the game, the biggest struggle of Pokémon Go is finding a good variety of Pokémonto catch. Where are the rare Pokémon?
I split my time between working in the city and living in the suburbs, so I foolishly assumed my potential for becoming a Pokéballer of the highest order was all but guaranteed. I would indeed be the very best, like no one ever was, because I had the best of both worlds at my fingertips. At least, that's what I thought before Pokémon Go so uncharitably informed me through its pitiful Pokémon offerings that I actually reside in Weedlesville, IL and my downtown office building is a breeding ground for Drowzees-the irony of which is not lost on me.
At first I thought the often unimpressive Pokémon selection was a flaw in the game, but perhaps all of us Pokémon Go players just need to get more creative. We need to channel our inner Pokémon. We need to ask ourselves, "If I were Magnemite, where would I hang out?" To help guide your thinking, here are a few places where you might be able to find uncommon Pokémon while playing Pokémon Go.
WHERE TO FIND FIRE POKÉMON
Hell
If you're wondering where to find Magmar or Moltres, hell is probably a good place to start. Now catching Pokémon in hell is tricky, because it requires that you believe in an afterlife, that you've died, and that the sum total of your actions during life have landed you in the inferno. But, on the bright side, as long as you don't drop your phone in the River Styx or lose signal in all the flames, you might just find a powerful fire Pokémon nearby.
In a Hot Pocket Fresh Out of the Microwave
The only place hotter than hell is the inside of a hot pocket fresh out of the microwave. If you have a shot at finding Growlithe, he's probably hiding as only a fire Pokémon could in that steamy, molten core of everyone's favorite stomach ache-inducing dinner substitute.
WHERE TO FIND FIGHTING POKÉMON
In the Blessed Silence Between a Grown Man's Exaggerated Grunts at the Gym
You might assume Mankey and Machop are drawn to grunts and sweat stains, but that might be what's keeping you from catching a fighting Pokémon. Even fighting Pokémon are disenchanted by the guy at the gym risking a hernia and expressing his virility by howling like the last moose on earth sounding his mating call, but remember, no gym bro can bugle forever; it's in the quiet moments between his desperate groans that fighting Pokémon leap out from behind inspirational Muhammad Ali posters.
Under the Thin Layer of Dust on the Fitness Gear You Bought But Never Use
As if to shame you for buying the Shake Weight or those INSANITY Workout DVDs, rumor has it Hitmonlee has often been spotted underneath the thin layer of dust coating your unused fitness equipment. If you're serious about logging a fighting Pokémon in your Pokédex, untangle those resistance bands or rescue that ThighMaster from the back of your closet, brush off the soot of your noble - though ultimately fruitless - good intentions, and see which fighting Pokémon appear.
WHERE TO FIND WATER POKÉMON
In the Spot Where You Dropped an Ice Cube and a Small Freshwater Pond Has Formed on the Floor
Water Pokémon have been known to gather in man-made bodies of water, like the pond that formed on the floor in your kitchen where you dropped an ice cube and didn't pick it up because you thought, "Who cares? It's just water," until you stepped in the puddle wearing your socks and it felt like you were dropped into a dunk tank.
Near the Bottle of Water You Opened, Took Three Sips Of, and Will Never Actually Finish
There's a little-known Pokémon Go hack that suggests Psyduck sometimes appears around old, previously opened bottles of water you're never going to finish until there's nothing else to drink on the premises except a bottle of Fluffed Marshmallow Smirnoff someone awful gave you as a gift.
WHERE TO FIND ELECTRIC POKÉMON
Presumably, Nowhere Near Your Friend Whose Phone is Never Charged
Everyone knows one person - even before we all became that one person thanks to playing Pokémon Go - whose battery is perpetually at 27%, who can only sit and relax if there's an electrical outlet a cord's length away. As long as you are hanging out with this person, you can assume Pikachu will remain a dark silhouette for you. You cannot expect to catch an electric Pokémon in the company of the energy deficient.
At Your Mom's House, Where She Insists You Turn Every Light On "So You Can See"
Your mom's house is a magnet for electric Pokémon, because all moms believe in using as much electricity as possible to save your eyesight. Watching a dramatic movie deserving of a solemn ambiance? Hit that three-way lamp up to 100 watts. Sending a text? Turn on the two table lamps, the overhead light, and get a flashlight just in case you can't see. Electric Pokémon are drawn to mom levels of electricity usage.
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. She enjoys leftovers, lunges, and laughs.
