I usually hate these kinds of posts, but it would be wrong to just carry on blogging like nothing has happened, especially after so long, without addressing the question that you’ve all been asking me on social media which is ‘where have I been?’.
TW: before I start, I just want to let you know that I will be discussing mental health and death throughout this.
So, where have I been? I’ve started this post dozens of times and I still have no idea where to start if I’m being honest, so this might all be a bit of a mess but here goes..
After I had Charlie, I struggled with postpartum depression, anxiety and trauma. I sought professional help and my loved ones have been incredibly supportive. I’m so lucky to have a great support system and I’m really grateful to NHS Scotland for providing me with support from my health visitor, doctor, mental health specialist and for the CBT course that I continue to use.
It was a tough old journey and I actually posted on my Instagram on occasion about it. I felt (and still often feel) like I’ve lost myself. Especially when I wasn’t ‘prepared’. (Is anyone ever really prepared?) Chris and I didn’t live together when we found out I was pregnant and then we went into lockdown a few days later. We were separated from each other as a result for 5 months and were unable to find a home because of the pandemic. We moved In together in September 2020 and had Charlie in November. My birth was a bit of a nightmare which resulted in an emergency c-section and i had a few issues afterwards too which caused a lot of anxiety and trauma.
After some time, I felt like I ‘lost’ a lot. I kinda became bitter, which is hard to admit. I was envious that Chris could go back to work and live his ‘normal’ life. I had to sacrifice things (like living at home with my family who I adore, like going out every Friday, financially things were a struggle and I missed working etc) just as every parent sacrifices, but because it was all so sudden and with the pandemic, I felt robbed of what should have been the most ‘special’ time of my life. I felt like I had no control over anything and this was happening TO me. I felt like an awful mother, partner and person in general. I didn’t want to feel that way and I now know that i didn’t ‘choose’ to feel that way. Postnatal hormones and trauma caused me to feel that way. After a lot of support I’m finally on the other side of that.
Unfortunately, something earth shattering happened in March 2022 which would completely devastate myself and everyone around me. My best friend, confidante and mentor. My dad, died very suddenly. Out of the blue. Gone.
Dad died suddenly and instantly from a brain aneurysm & haemorrhage. My family and I were with him. I won’t go into any further details publicly on this out of respect for my family and most importantly, my Dad. To my sisters and I, he was our hero. To my mom he was her soul mate. To his mum, sister and her family, he has left a huge empty hole in their hearts. My dad was not unwell. In fact, he was in full health and loved life. I’ve learned so much from his passing, the most important being to squeeze your loved ones a little tighter each day. Forgive, forget and don’t sweat the small stuff. Life is too short and precious.
Hearing my 20 month old son shout on his grandad and look around the house for him for weeks after dads passing was as soul destroying as it gets.
Since dads passing, life has been a struggle for all of my loved ones, but I can’t speak for them. For me, I’ve understandably needed some help to cope with the trauma but learning to live a life without the person we centred our lives around has been horrific. It is horrific.
Grief counseling is quite hard to source. I found both the Samaritans and Cruse Bereavement Scotland were really helpful at times when I just wasn’t coping. I also had support from my doctor and the Distress Brief Intervention team. The DBI is a relatively new resource in Scotland which offers 1-1 phone calls from trained counsellors daily for two weeks. I found this was such an important resource for me, especially during those first three or four months when I truly didn’t believe there was anything worth living for now that dad is gone. Of course, that’s not true and I know that now, but when such intense grief hits you out of the blue, you think every thought that you could ever imagine.
Im still coming to terms with dads passing and to be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever fully accept it. I can talk more in depth about grief and ways to ‘manage’ in another post if that’s something you’re interested in.
So there’s where I’ve been. Fun times eh? I’m so determined to make my blog my sanctuary and a reflection of my life, so things will be a little different around here.
I hope you’re all doing well and thanks so much to those of you who have been in touch via social media. I really appreciate it.
Sending love and squeezes.
Holly xx
