Fall seems like a transitional period of beautiful simplicity, ideal for wearing sweaters and curling up by the fireplace with a good book, but let’s not lose sight of what this time of year is really about: getting into heated debates about the merits of the season’s most polarizing food items. Use this list to better understand yourself and any rogue candy corn lovers or pumpkin pie enthusiasts you come across over the next few months.
1. If you love candy corn…
You’re an independent thinker who isn’t afraid to strike out on your own, but you lack self-control. You have no problem enduring ridicule from your peers at Halloween parties about your preference for eating yellow, orange, and white candies that look like plastic and have the consistency of earwax. You’re truly fearless — even when the cashier at Target narrows her eyes at you when you roll up to the register with a cartful of your favorite treat (likely from the stock that was leftover from last year’s shipment). The haters might think you have bad (or no) taste, but as long as Brach’s stays in business, let the haters hate.
2. If you’re addicted to pumpkin spice lattes…
You understand the value of appreciating a good thing while you have it. For you, every moment in life is precious, and that’s how you justify spending $5 on a specialty seasonal coffee every morning during fall. Critics might accuse you of lacking originality or making your caffeine decisions based on what would look best with a Valencia filter applied on Instagram, but you have a zen-like understanding that no one’s pumpkin spice prejudice is strong enough to deter you from being with the beverage you love. You tweet about your PSL proudly, because life’s too short to entertain the notion that some other people might not like the same flavors that you do.
3. If your cupboard’s full of cranberries…
You must really care about the health of your kidneys! At least that’s what everyone will insist while they quietly try to figure out why you’d ever eat a fruit that has the propensity to look as frightening as cranberries do in canned form. You’re probably wary of strangers, because your favorite fall food is a niche berry more polarizing than straw, blue, or black berries, and you’ve been hurt before. They may not be everyone’s favorite, but when your beloved cranberries appear in a turkey stuffing, a salad, or a syrup — you’re not one to let it linger.
4. If you can’t live without pumpkin pie…
You’re a traditionalist. Long before pumpkin was available in lattes and cookies, you were in the kitchen hosing down a generous slice of pumpkin pie with more whipped cream than was necessary. You tend to be a bit skeptical of the latest trends, and you like to stick with what you know. And one thing you’re sure of? The universe intended pumpkin to be mixed with a little cinnamon, ginger, and cloves and baked into a delicious crust.
5. If caramel apples are your must-have…
You’re not afraid of failure, and you want to have it all. Sadly, as a caramel apple lover, you’re intimately familiar with both failure and the harsh reality that wanting it all often results in a trash can full of apples and a mouthful of cavities. Your brave spirit sometimes leads you down dangerous paths, like to some crafty mom’s Halloween Pinterest board with the caramel apples that look like little pumpkins or ghosts. Nevertheless, there’s no doubting your tenacity. After all, how many people would willingly unwrap 75 caramel cubes to melt in pan that claims to be non-stick (but isn’t)?
6. If you look forward to the dark meat…
You’re a patient opportunist. When you see an opportunity that benefits you, you’re brave enough to make the most of it. Thanksgiving is no exception. While Cousin Felicity, Grandma Pearl, and Uncle Duncan all clamor for the precious (and dry) white meat, you swoop in and claim a monopoly on the juicy thighs and legs. People may question your tactics and your taste buds, but when everyone else is choking down the bland white meat that Aunt Patrice did her best to baste thoroughly, you’ll feel even more secure being exactly who you are.
7. If you stock the pantry with limited edition pumpkin spice foods…
You’re reckless — maybe even a little masochistic. Why else would you have bought the limited edition pumpkin spice Greek yogurt to go with your pumpkin spice Hershey’s kisses? You never let anyone see you sweat, which will come in handy later when you’re curled up on the fetal position on the couch, shivering from eating too many pumpkin spice products.
8. If Milk Duds are your all-time favorite Halloween candy…
It might be too late to help you.
This post was originally featured on Huffington Post.
