Humor Magazine

What You Say Your Resolutions Are Vs. What They Really Mean

By Katie Hoffman @katienotholmes

I used to be staunchly anti-resolution. It always seemed a little too idealistic to wait until the start of a new year to start working toward goals you could've easily started six months ago. But I'm becoming more supportive and open-minded in my old age, and the past few years I've been bitten by the "new year, new me" bug, too.

There's a lot that gets lost in translation with New Year's resolutions. Saving money, for example, might mean living on half of your income for some people while others are thinking more along the lines of skipping the whip at Starbucks. Regardless of what your intentions are with your 2017 #goals, just know that we all know what you're really saying when you embrace these common resolutions.

Be a better person.

For the first few months of the new year, you'll feel especially guilty when you watch an episode of a TV show without your significant other. You'll also repent for all those times you pretended to throw a treat for your dog but really it was still in the palm of your hand.

Be healthier.

You're going to buy a bunch of lettuce and other leafy produce that you'll use to make salad for about three days before leaving the rest to get gross in the back of the fridge. You'll also download a fitness app you'll use faithfully until the free trial runs out or you forget, whichever happens first. An exercise ball will join your belongings, and you'll get a small workout kicking it out of your way when you're never using it.

Drink less alcohol.

Your new drink order will become a Bloody Mary, because it's practically a V8, or you'll forego cocktails in lieu of straight liquor technically speaking you will be drinking less.

Quit smoking.

You're going to switch to vaping, and eventually all of your friends will stop talking to you. Faced with the prospect of a lonely existence and a disappointing future epitaph, you'll actually summon the will power to quit.

Find a new job.

You're going to peruse LinkedIn and Indeed for a few weeks, but eventually you'll get to one gauntlet of a job application that asks you to retype everything that's on your resume on a custom form, and you'll realize that the drudgery of your current job is worth it to avoid entering the dates you were employed at your part-time high school job in DD/YYYY/MM format.

Spend more quality time with family.

You're going to plan a special family game night, but you'll make the mistake of choosing Apples to Apples. In the space of an hour, you'll realize that your beloved kin aren't creative and have bad taste. You'll learn your spouse thinks Beliebers is a better match for "Principled" than Martha Stewart. Your darling son will be outed as humorless. Your daughter - to whom you gave life - doesn't know who Nelson Mandela is. No wonder you don't spend time with these people: they're the worst.

Get organized.

You're going to buy a really beautiful 17-month agenda and some storage containers that will eventually create a unique topography when buried under laundry and junk mail from Capital One.

Save money.

You're going to seriously consider cancelling your Netflix and Amazon Prime subscriptions-until you get distracted watching all nine seasons of One Tree Hill and feeling like modern royalty when your face wash arrives outside your door within two business days.

Stop procrastinating.

On December 31, 2017 at 8 a.m., it'll really be crunch time for this one.

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